desert-island Jokes

I just got a job at the local Taxi cab company, Now I just need to find a ride to get there!!!

How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it!

Glad I looked in the mirror, i've been looking for that hat for 2 hours!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the leaf pile? Russell! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the hot tub? Stu! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt! What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill! What do you call a man (or a woman) with no arms and no legs on the grill? Frank (or Patty)!

First man: I wonder how long a person can live without a brain? Second man: How old are you?

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: You're too young to smoke.

What do hunting, fishing and dating all have in common? You never know when you might get lucky!!!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage...

Why did the Walkers not bite Glen in the Coffee Shop? The Zombies were busy taking a selfie.

Blind people can drive...Just mostly into things.

My mother always told me "If you can't say something nice about someone.......They're probably a Jerk!

There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who understand... and those who don't...

If 7-11 is open 24/7 why do they have a lock on the door?

“Suicidal Twin kills sister by accident!!!”

Why are ET's eyes so BIG? He saw his phone bill.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no body to go with.

I really like selling on E-Bay. Last month I sold my Homing Pigeons eight times!

One math book says to the other, "you think you got problems, you're just algebra, I'm advanced calculus."

I took an IQ test yesterday. It came back negative...

I'm so old that when I joined the AAA, it was a single A !

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!

Don't worry if the end of the world is tomorrow! It is already tomorrow in Australia.

If at first you don't succeed,sky-diving is not for you!

I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa