desert-island Jokes

Three guys all worked in the same office with the same male boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the guys decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early? Ochuko was thrilled to be home early, he did a little gardening, spent play time with his son, and went to bed early. Ofego was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. Akpors was happy to get home early and surprise his wife, but when he got to his bedroom, he heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! Gently he closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day, at their coffee break, Ochuko and Ofego planned to leave early again, and they asked Akpos if he was going to go with them. “No way!” Akpos exclaimed. "the boss almost caught me yesterday!"

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential." Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!" Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic. While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job." Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

A man goes to a job interview. His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed. "You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?" "I went to Yale" "Wow great! You're hired" "Yay, I got a yob!"

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

During an Interview the Employer asked the Candidate Employer : 'How long did u work during your last job? Candidate : 30 years. Employer : What's your age? Candidate : 20 years. The Employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it is possible that you are 20 and have a experience of 30 years. Candidate : Overtime.

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager: HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . . 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 4. Then analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

John visited his brother's office and went to the toilet for a long call. Crazy thing is that the door was so far from the toilet seat. When someone knocked, John had to literally move towards the door pants down. All did not work out well when he miscalculated his way back and threw one missile on the floor.

All my life I thought air was free… Until I bought a bag of chips.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today... That’s 7 years in a row now...

Donna: "I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him." Ashley: "Really?" Donna: "Yep. I can tell if he is standing too."

I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune... Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe!

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? "He didn't count on this..."

Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon? It was full.

Just found out on my tax return that there's a limit on dependents... I thought 45 was reasonable, but I was wrong.

What do you get if you cross a Ford Taurus with uranium? A Ford Fusion.

My girlfriend always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator... I guess we are raised differently.

I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

The only time the world beats a path to your door... Is when you're in the bathroom!

What kind of face cream do Matadors use? Olay!

Think about it... Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to!

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, has obviously never had to reboot a computer.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.