I sometimes think of how much I miss my happy days at school: forcing new pupils’ heads down the toilet and flushing it; banging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers; having a sneaky fag round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course, queueing with the rest of the lads to get a blow job from Nikki ‘big tits’ of the sixth form. I loved that caretaker’s job.