Jokes

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things: "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. "So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks. "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.

After his mother yelled at little Johnny, he retaliated, "Don't shout at me! I am not dad!"

One day, little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?” Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. He told him the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life. How life developed and finally, how a child was born. As the story unfolded, Johnny’s eyes got wider and wider. When his father was finished, Johnny said, “Wow, that is really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Cranston.”

Little Johnny asked his dad, "What do you do when you put one foot on the boat and the other on the dock?" "Swim," replied his dad. "You fall in, and then you swim."

Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.” Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it. Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."

Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle." Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's kill it."

At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied. "Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father. "Okay," the boy said. "Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work....AMEN" Dinner was cancelled.

Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, "Dad, there's water in the carburetor of the car!" "How can you be so sure?" the father asks. "I just know there is," replies Little Johnny. "Do you even know what a carburetor is?" "No," says Little Johnny. "OK, where is the car?" "In the lake."

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" His mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" Asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true? I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries! Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

Little Johnny “why is your homework in your Dads writing?” the teacher asks. “I used his pen,” he replied.

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?” “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week." "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knew the numbers 1 to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answered the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?" "A jack!"

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

The boyfriend calls his girlfriend and says, "Hi, hon, are you good with your heart transplant tomorrow?" "Oh, I'm a bit frightened, but confident," she answers. "You know, I love you, and I'm sure everything is gonna be fine," he adds. "I love you too!" she says and hangs up. After a successful surgery, she wakes up and when she sees her father beside her, she inquires, "Where's my boyfriend?" "Whose heart do you think is in your body now?" asks her dad. "NOOOO!!!" she exclaims. "Calm down," said her father, "this was just to test your new heart. He just went to the restroom..."

My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding. He said, “I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!”

Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's new boat. "Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles was conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it expensive?" "The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really hurt." "You mean things like water skis, life jackets, and trailer?" my father asked. "No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean what the wife wanted - the new carpet, the kitchen cabinets, and the cabin room furniture."

Little Johnny's homework assignment was about The War of 1776. As Johnny was doing his homework he asked his father, "Who was it that said 'we haven't started to fight yet'?" "A bride and groom, still on their honeymoon I guess," growled his dad.

Bobbie to neighbor: “What are you getting your children for Christmas?” Neighbor: “Well, if my husband doesn’t stop staying out until three in the morning, I’ll give them a new dad.”

Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns? A: Because they were just at a wedding. Q: Don’t we beep the horn as a warning signal, Daddy? A: Exactly, son.

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers. "Is it working?" her daughter asks. "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" and she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" and my mom said, "He does."

Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put? Mother: Put what I put on your father's wedding ring. Daughter: What does it say. I've never seen daddy with it off. Mother: Yes. It's worked very well over the years. It says, "Put it back on!"

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. “Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.” Our six-year-old shot back, “Too late dad, I already got you another present.”

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?" Dad to Son: It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"