Jokes

A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes. One boy answered, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and an Asian face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy piped up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams,'OH MY GOD!'"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?". "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

This homeschooling is not working out... I just heard my child say, "I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year!"

Sam: I’m having a lot of trouble with eczema, teacher. Teacher: Heavens, where do you have it? Sam: I don’t have it, I just can’t spell it.

How do you know when you've really reached a mathematician's voice mail? "The subscript you have dialed is syntaxed error at the moment, please rotate your calculator to 90 degrees and redial again."

Teacher: "How much is half of 8?" Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?" Teacher: "What do you mean?" Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?" Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!" Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?" Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

Homework! Oh, Homework! I hate you! You stink! I wish I could wash you away in the sink, if only a bomb would explode you to bits. Homework! Oh, homework! You're giving me fits. I'd rather take baths with a man-eating shark, or wrestle a lion alone in the dark, eat spinach and liver, pet ten porcupines, than tackle the homework, my teacher assigns. Homework! Oh, homework! you're last on my list, I simply can't see why you even exist, if you just disappeared it would tickle me pink. Homework! Oh, homework! I hate you! You stink!

First grade teacher: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'" Rachel: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class. Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked. "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply. Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two." "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

When I was growing up, I used to watch M*A*S*H. It was on for eleven seasons. It was about the Korean War. Years later in high school, in my history class, the teacher asked us, “How long did the Korean War last?” I raised my hand, and answered, “Eleven years.” Needless to say, I got an F in history.

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner. A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

I had a question for my English as a second language teacher... Me: This word confuses me, can you give me a sentence using 'apparently'? Teacher: Apparently, you don’t know what apparently means.

How do science teachers freshen their breath? With experi-mints!

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Teacher: "Okay class let's start by sharing our dreams. What's yours David?" David: "My dream is to earn $20,000 a month like my dad." Teacher: "Wow! Your dad earns that much?" David: "No ma'am, that's also my dad's dream."

Teacher: "Make a sentence that starts with 'I'." Bobby: "I is..." Teacher: "No, Bobby. You should say 'I am', never 'I is'." Bobby: "Okay. I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

The teacher asks: "Now, Susan, how many fingers have you?" Susan: "Ten." Teacher: "Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?" Susan: "No more piano lessons."

Boy: "Teacher, can I ask you a question?" Teacher: "Good job, you just did."

Teacher: "Have you ever seen a humming bird?" Student: "No, but I have watched a spelling bee!"

Teacher: "You cannot sleep in my class!" Student: "Well ma'am, I could if you were a little quieter."

Teacher: "Class, we'll have only half a day of school today morning." Students: "Yaaayyy!" Teacher: "We'll have the other half this afternoon."

At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course. The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal. I glanced at his letter to see how it was going. His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english."

Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment." Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.” Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even know we were having." "That’s great!" I said. "But why didn’t you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."