Jokes

Two cowboy ranchers in Texas, they each had their own horse, but they could never tell them apart. So the first cowboy said, "I've got it!" The second cowboy said "What?" "I'll shave the mane on my horse." Let's do it!” So the cowboy shaves the mane on his horse. But after a while the mane grew back. The cowboys are having a really hard time telling them apart. Then the one cowboy said, "I've got it! "What? What? What’s your idea now? says the other" "I'll cut the tail on my horse really small." "Alright! Let's do it!" So he cut the tail really short. But after a while it grew back. "Then the second cowboy said, "OK, this time I've got it!" You take the black one and I'll take white one!!!!"

Q: Why don't you ask Yoda for money? A: He is always a little to short.

A teacher asks the class to form a sentence with the word Celebrities,so little Timmy says, “Celebrities get treated better.” “That sentence is way too short,Timmy.” says the teacher. “I know,” says Timmy, “Judge Masipa is useless.”

Now that I live there, I actually find that I'm around the people that I can't stand to be around the most, which are these elitist people. You know, hipster people that have an opinion on, like, everything that you should wear and all the cool music you should listen to. They'll critique any movie you like -- you know, as you're watching something, walk into the room and be like, 'Really? Really? You like 'Short Circuit'? The book is better.'

Q: What's E.T. short for? A: Because he has little legs.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

There are no such things as Chuck Norris haters...just people with short lives.

Chuck Norris wanted more dialogue for his next movie. It was too short for release.

The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do: .

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work? A: Because they know all the short cuts!

Q: Why did the midget get kicked out of the bar? A: Because when it came time to pay, he came up short.

Q: What is tall when it is young and short when it is old? A: A candle.

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?" His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son." The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?" Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son." Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?" Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son." The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

1.A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Short kid: Hey tall kid, I bet you don't know who your dad is! Me: What's the matter? Where are Snow White and the other six dwarves? They're probably celebrating the fact that they lost you! Short kid:(Silence)

“No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short.” … … “Dad, I’m sixteen. I’ll wear what I want!” … … “Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing.”

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day? 1. F__ K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. __ NDOM Answers 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM Scoring 6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind. 5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then. 4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad. 3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma. 2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor. 1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor. 0 Correct: What a pervert!

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… … … “$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you screw the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. … … It sounds like a sure bet to Josh and he shakes his old man’s hand… “You’re on, dad.” … … The wedding and reception go off without a hitch. Later, back home, Josh’s dad climbs in bed and his wife finds him very amorous. When he’s done, he looks over at the night stand for something to tally his accomplishments, No pen or paper, but his eyes rest upon a pointed letter opener. Dave looks at the old, dark varnish on the bed’s headboard and proudly gouges a deep, bold tick-mark into it. …. … After a short snooze Dave nudges his wife and they go at it again. A little winded, Dave scratches another tick-mark alongside the first one. … …. Dave falls asleep again, but wakes up, determined not to lose the bet. It takes him quite a while to climax, and he is quite out of breath. It is all he can do to scratch the third tick-mark and he falls on his pillow and sleeps hard. … … About 11AM, he is shaken awake by his son. “Dad! Dad! my wedding night was fabulous! How about - ” Josh stops mid- sentence looking at the headboard. … … “Wooohoo, dad! ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN??? Wow, you beat me by three!”

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there. 3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. 6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. 7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. 8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm. 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row. 14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, “Troy, I’ll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like.” “Okay,” said his buddy. “Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She’s short on looks, but she gives an incredible ‘you know what’. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels.” “Say no more,” interrupted Troy. “I’ll go for head over heels anytime.”

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend. Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in short - B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

I joined an internet dating site. My first date was with a girl at a hospital. When I went to meet her, she said, “I don’t know if the website told you but I only have a few weeks to live.” So I said to her, “I don’t know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship!”

I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me. I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, “But it’s not my birthday until tomorrow.” “I know, but I wanted to surprise you,” she smiled. “And I don’t know what size boxer shorts you wear.”

My weekend the long version Friday night - Went out after work, got drunk, went to a club and chatted to girls all night. Saturday night - Stayed in. Went on Facebook. Posted a few jokes online got a few likes. Sunday morning - Played football with the lads My weekend the short version Despite numerous attempts I didn’t score.  

Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them. Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?" Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each." B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!" Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,  near Transylvania. They  drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.   Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.    The car swerves and smashes into a tree.. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.  A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”  “I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”Bob brings his wife in.  An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;   I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.  A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”