Jokes

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?" Man: "Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home." Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" Man: "It’s made of concrete." Lawyer: "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" Man: "No, we have a carport." Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?" Man: "All my relations are still in Poland." Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" Man: "We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." Lawyer: "Does your wife beat you up?" Man: "No, I always wake up before her." Lawyer: "Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?" Man: "She's going to kill me." Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Man: "I have proof." Lawyer: "What kind of proof?" Man: "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says ... 'Polish remover.' "

My wife and I went on vacation to a fishing resort. I liked to fish at the crack of dawn. My wife liked to read. One morning I returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although my wife wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat and enjoy the beautiful morning on the water. So she took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside my wife and said, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” my wife replied, “Isn't it obvious?” “You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,” snapped my irate wife. “But, I haven't even touched you,” groused the sheriff. “Yes, that's true,” she replied with a slight smile, “But you do have all the equipment.” MORAL: Never argue with a redhead.

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" His wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. " His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat-belt on. You never wear your seat-belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? " The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? " "Only when he's been drinking!"

One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman. "That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down." The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car." "That is not true, sir; I always wear my seatbelt," replies the driver. "No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seatbelt on," says the driver's wife. "Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?" The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?" "Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee. “There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!”

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what today is?" "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, "Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?" "Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done." "Nope, try again." "Oh, uh, you bought a new dress." "Nope, keep trying." "You got your nails done." "Nope, try again." "I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions." "I'm wearing a gas mask!"

To show his appreciation to the community, the military base commanding officer held an open house. This included a free meal in the mess hall. A young private was busing tables when he noticed a family leaving a large tip. "Excuse me. We can't accept tips," he told them. "It's not for you," said the woman. "That's to help send your cook to culinary school."

Marine corporal (at a party): "Do you see that officer over there? He is the meanest egg I have ever seen. He is an ugly sap of an officer." She: "Do you know who I am? I am that officer's daughter." Corporal: "Do you know who I am?" She: "No..." Corporal: "Good."

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." "No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."

I had just become a Second lieutenant in The Marines when my mother and I were walking toward the Iwo Jima monument. We were about to cross the street when a truck was coming toward us. We jumped back out of the way. The driver, a USMC Gunny Sergeant slowed down, leaned out the window, saluted and told mother, "Don't worry, I wouldn't hit an officer -- there's too much paperwork in it."

A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercoastal Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers. Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water. He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. "Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster. "Well, sir," one trainee explained, "We've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand. After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning." "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long compliance form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. So I read and initialed it. A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, "You are not permanently assigned to this unit. Thus, you are not an authorized signer and you should not be initialing this form. Now please erase your initials and then initial your erasure."

As a Flight Surgeon stationed at Corpus Christi, Tx, I perform flight physicals. A Petty Officer needed his to continue as the corpsman aboard the base Search and Rescue helicopter. Following the obligatory cough during his hernia check, I asked him, “Have you had any pain or swelling in your testicles?” There was no answer so I looked at him with a, “Well?” look on my face. After a few moments pondering his answer, he reluctantly began to move his hips gently from side to side. I said, “Stop, what are you doing!” He said, “You asked me to sway my testicles.” After a hearing check, he passed his Navy Flight Physical and we had a great laugh about that for years to follow. Call sign, “Hula Man!”

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

A young Navy officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?Soldier: Sure, buddy.Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.Do you have change for a dollar?Soldier: No, SIR!

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

A Navy Officer was trying to make a phone call, but had no change, three Marines were approaching and the Officer asked one of them, "excuse me private do you have change for a dollar?" the private replied, "yes I do", the Navy officer said, "don't you mean no sir, now let's try this again" so the Navy Officer, asked again " private do you have change for a dollar?” The private replied, "no sir"

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.  The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"  "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" 

Said the officer to the soldier, "Private, why did you salute that refrigerator?" The soldier replied, "Because it was General Electric." "And that jeep?" the officer asked. Replied the soldier, "Because it was General Motors."