Jokes

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” he asked. “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How can I help you?" The man says he has a dinner to go to and is looking for the right type of shoes. The salesman asks if he is looking for dress shoes, the little boy pipes up and says," but my dad doesn’t wear dresses."

Son: Dad You Are My Hero. Dad: Really! Son: Yes. Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed? Dad: Well, Yes. Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.

Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband. Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father. It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.” “Am I, Dad?” “Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”

A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!

A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together...why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir". "You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes Sir!" was the reply "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie. Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?" "Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater." Puzzled by this comment, the father asked, "Why?" And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"

A little boy went up to his grandfather and asked, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" When the grandfather asked why, the boy replied, "Because daddy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?” “Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Cohen," she says, "would you say you’re honest?" "Honest?" replies Mr. Cohen. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $75,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" "Dad sued me for the money."

A lawyer’s son was about to enter college. He asked his son "Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" "Well dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Johnny's mother sees the young boy tiptoeing down the hall with a bucket of water. She asks, "Johnny, why are you tiptoeing around with a bucket of water?" Johnny answers, "Dad asked me to quietly wake him at five."

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down. Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.

Father: Now Little Johnny, be good while I’m away. Little Johnny: Okay dad, I’ll be good for a dollar. Father: Why son, when I was your age I was good for nothing!

Little Johnny was being shown the shape of the earth on a globe atlas by his mother. After pointing to all countries with unusual shapes, she asks: "Now Johnny, what shape is the world?" Johnny, looking very wise and happy, said: "Daddy says it's in terrible shape."

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?” “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny. “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?” “Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Little Johnny ran into the room sobbing as through his heart would break. "Whats the problem Johnny?" asked his mother. "Oh, daddy was hanging a picture and he dropped it on his toe," replied Johnny. "Why, that's nothing to cry about. You should be laughing at that," said his mother. "I did," Johnny replied.

Little Johnny: "Why does it rain, dad?" Father: "To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees." Little Johnny: "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.” “Good. So what comes after eight?” “Nine,” answered Little Johnny. “And what comes after nine?” “Ten.” “And what comes after ten?” “The Jack.”

Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his dad that he failed the safety quiz Dad: What? How? Little Johnny: I missed the only question Dad: What was the question? Little Johnny: What steps do we take in case of fire? Dad: And what did you say? Little Johnny: Well I said really large ones but apparently that's not right answer!!!

The schoolteacher asked her class of young children to name one thing that was needed at their home. “Jim?” “A Nintendo Wii!” “Very good, Jim. How about you, Ann?” "A Super Barbie doll’s house,” said Ann. “That sounds nice, Ann. Little Johnny?” Little Johnny remained silent. “Surely there must be something you can think of, Little Johnny?” “No, nothing.” “Really, Little Johnny? You do surprise me.” “I know it’s true for a fact,” insisted Little Johnny. “Because last week my dad came home drunk, was sick all over the carpet, and my mom said it was the last thing we needed.”