Jokes

A customer comes into the computer store. I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"

I’ve invented a human computer. When he does a mistake he blames another computer.

Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack. Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer. Caller: Are you kidding me!? Oh, wait a minute-yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier! Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way? Caller: Six weeks!

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer? It has two bytes and no memory.

Q: What computer sings the best? A: A Dell.

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but  forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson  virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey  virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,  and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit  virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr.  Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files  and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus: Makes your  whole computer go down. Disney  virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Prozac  virus: Screws up your RAM  but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone  virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's  there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO  virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Woody Allen  virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will  only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75  miles away. Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your  personal files and forwards them to the authorities. Bill Clinton  virus: Won't let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything  to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused  search of a specific file into a global interregation of every  existing file. Creates links between unrelated data.  Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore  virus: Runs quietly in background mode  but doesn't appear to really do much of anything. Saddam Hussein  virus: Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya  Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michael virus: Runs its course,  occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco  virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld  virus: Program about nothing that exits  when you're really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus:   After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again. Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone. X-files  virus: All your Icons start  shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real  function, but makes a pretty desktop. AT&T  virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Arnold Schwarzenegger  virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but  forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson  virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey  virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,  and then slowly expands to 300MB. Lorena Bobbit  virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Dr.  Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files  and deletes them. Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus: Makes your  whole computer go down. Disney  virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Prozac  virus: Screws up your RAM  but your processor doesn't care. Sharon Stone  virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's  there. Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact. HBO  virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week. Woody Allen  virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. NFL Blackout virus: Will  only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75  miles away. Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your  personal files and forwards them to the authorities. Bill Clinton  virus: Won't let you query the system for information. Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything  to the right. Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused  search of a specific file into a global interregation of every  existing file. Creates links between unrelated data.  Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results. Al Gore  virus: Runs quietly in background mode  but doesn't appear to really do much of anything. Saddam Hussein  virus: Won't let you into any of your programs. Tonya  Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. George Michael virus: Runs its course,  occasionally releasing excess data buildup. Joey Buttafuoco  virus: Only attacks minor files. Jerry Seinfeld  virus: Program about nothing that exits  when you're really enjoying it. David Caruso NYPD Blue virus:   After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again. Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone. X-files  virus: All your Icons start  shape shifting. Spice Girl virus: Has no real  function, but makes a pretty desktop. AT&T  virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. Arnold Schwarzenegger  virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

How is a computer like Britney Spears? They're both cheap, white, and plastic.

There once was a man called Hawking, Who got very bored of walking, He got on a scooter, Attached a computer, And now it does all of the talking.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

There is no "ctrl" button on Chuck Norris's computer. CHUCK NORRIS IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL

Chuck Norris's computer doesn't have a "esc" key. No one escapes Chuck Norris.

When chuck norris uses a computer, he uses a real mouse.

Chuck Norris doesn't have an ESC key on his computer, no one ever escapes.

Chuck Norris does not play computer games, he makes games play computer!

Chuck Norris doesn't play computer games,the computer plays Chuck Norris games.

With just two toothpicks, a lightbulb, and his RoundHouse Kick, Chuck Norris can override the Pentagon's computer system.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven’t been carrying any before now. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it””s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nuthin.” The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, “Nope I’m sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, “Well, that’s the last thing we need

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, “What does gay mean?” “It means happy.” “So dad, are you gay?” the son asks. Dad replies, “No son, I have a wife.”

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son: "Dad, what is Windows 95?" "Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window. “Yes, officer?” “What are you doing?” “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.” The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 22, sir.” “And her, what’s her age? The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.

Who else’s heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." "Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”     Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.     He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

There was a man and his wife putting a password on their new computer. The man entered 'MYWILLIE'. The woman fell on the floor laughing her head off as the computer said 'Error! Not long enough'.