Jokes

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knew the numbers 1 to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answered the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?" "A jack!"

A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"  "But that's right!" The father replied. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father. "That's what I said!" 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A men's Sunday school teacher asked the men how they would spend the next 30 days if they knew the world would end. The first man said, "I would spend it on a mission to Africa." They all agreed this was a great idea. The second man said, "I would volunteer at the local hospital and help as many as possible." They all agreed this was a worthy goal as well. The third man said if he only had 30 days to live he would spend every minute with his ex-wife. They were all shocked at his answer as he had endured a most miserable marriage to a shrew. "Why would you want to spend your last 30 days with a woman you hated?" they asked. 'Well, I really am not looking forward to the end of the world and I would want to delay it as long as possible. And believe me, living with my ex-wife would make 30 days seem like an eternity!"

During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Mother to music teacher: “Jimmy has been taking violin lessons for 6 weeks now. What suggestions do you have to assist my son in learning to play the violin?” Music teacher: “A new bridge for his violin.” Mother: “OK. Did his get broken?” Music teacher: “No, I think it will help him get his music across.”

On a first date, the young man thought he'd impress the young lady, a piano and voice teacher, by taking her to a karaoke bar. After going up and singing a song, and now feeling confident as ever, he thought he'd ask a music question to impress her even more. He asked her, "What key did I sing that in?" She replied, "Most of them."

Teacher: "How do you keep your old car running better?" Student: "Check the prices of a new car regularly."

Dear Algebra Teacher, Please stop asking us to find your X!

A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa

In demonstrating the division of powers within the government, the teacher used the family structure as an example. One boy stood up and said, “It looks like my mom’s the president then, because she veto’s everything.”

Ronald and Hillary, opposing candidates for the upcoming local PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) elections, walk into a donut shop for a quick snack. As soon as Hillary gets to the front of the line, she shoves 3 donuts into her pockets. Ronald says, "Really? You have to steal the donuts?" Hillary replies, "I shouldn't have to pay for them since i will be the next PTA President!" Ronald says, "Watch, I will get 3 for free by asking!" When he gets to the front of the line, he asks the clerk, "If i show you a magic trick, can i have 3 donuts for free?" "Sure," replied the clerk. So Ronald eats the first donut. "Mmmm, that was tasty." Then he eats the second and third donuts, "Mmmmm, they were just as good as the first!" The clerk replied, "Where was the magic trick?" Then Ronald replies, "Poof! Now look in Hillary's pockets!"

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?" A student answered, "The First Pet?" The teacher then asked, "Why?" The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

What do you say to comfort an English teacher? They’re, there, their.

My son’s math teacher called him average... I just think he’s mean.

We'll never run out of math teachers as long as they multiply.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

Teacher: If you are on the moon, what will happen to your weight? a) Increase b) Decrease c) No change d) Can not be predicted… Student : Decrease Teacher: Why? Student : You will not get good food!!!

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him. The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.

Sunday School Teacher: Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God? Boy: Hallowed! Sunday School Teacher: Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer? Boy: It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name....

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally, she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of the manger scene. A large dog was among the animals. The teacher looked puzzled. "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of you would like to go to Heaven?" All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven. Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

A Sunday school teacher wanted to stimulate her first grade class as the lesson started by asking them, "Do you want to go to heaven today?" All but one of the ten children raised their hands enthusiastically. Everyone but Susie. "Susie, don't you want to go to heaven?" she asked. "Yes, I do." Susie replied "Well, why did you not raise your hand when I asked if you want to go to heaven?" "I really want to go to heaven, but not with these guys," she replied.

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"