Jokes

She entered the office of a noted divorce lawyer. "I want to know if I have grounds for divorce? "she asked. "Are you married?" asked the lawyer. "Yes, I am." "Then, "he replied, "you have ground."

A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. “Officer — did you see my client escaping the scene?” “No sir. Be that as it may, I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.” “Officer — who provided this description?” “The responding officer.” “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?” “Yes, sir. With my life.” “With your life? Do you have a room where you change your clothes before your daily duties?” “Yes, sir, we do.” “And do you have a locker in the room?” “Yes, sir, I do.” “And do you have a lock on your locker?” “Yes, sir.” “Well officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?” “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." A prison guard is shaving your head. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ." He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25." Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

A juvenile court was prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary. The judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter. "Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor." "Linda Jones, probation officer." "Sam Clark, public defender." "John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?" "Simple," answered the lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it." The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send out the bills. Much to his surprise, there sat a bill from the lawyer.

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?” “But why?” Asked the young guy. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?" The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job. The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?" "You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically. "Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie. When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside. On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them. The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Mitchell’s Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new Law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking. "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while The man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions. Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your telephone line".

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk who has just saved the natives from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

Little Johnny was riding the elevator of a tall office with his mother and father. He tugged at his father’s coat and when his father bent over, Little Johnny whispered in ear. The father frowned and shook his head. Little Johnny tugged at his father’s coat and whispered the same thing again. “No,” said his father. When Little Johnny tugged his father’s coat for the third time, his father lost his patience and said sharply: “I don’t care how Superman does it! We’re going up this way!”

The teacher in Little Johnnys class approached him and directed he go to the principal's office. When he got there, the principle said to him, "Little Johnny, I've had complaints about you from all your teachers. What have you been doing?" Little Johnny replied, "Nothing, Sir!" The principal replied, "EXACTLY!"

As the first grade teach bent over to pick up an eraser, little Joey started to giggle. "Teacher, I just saw your stockings." The teacher replied, "You will stay in for recess with that remark." Later, she bent over to pick up a piece of chalk as little Mikey began to giggle, "Teacher, I just saw your knees." The teacher demanded he go to the office immediately for that remark. Still later she bent way down to pick up a piece of paper and little Billy began to clean out his desk and head for the door. Teacher asked Billy where he was going. He replied, "Teacher, I see my school days are over."

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course. "Is it hard to learn?" someone asked. "Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

Bill's second anniversary was coming up and his wife Suzy had recently been upset about how much time he spent at the office. He needed a thoughtful gift to show her how much he cared. Bill asked all of his clients and co-workers what would be a good anniversary present, and he eventually settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. He wasn't sure he could pick the right flowers by himself, so he called a local florist and asked them to create a big, beautiful bouquet to be delivered the next morning with the following note "Happy Anniversary! Year Number Two!" The following morning, Bill received an angry phone call from his wife Suzy. "What is this all about?!" she demanded. Bill was perplexed. He thought she would love the flowers. "What's the matter with it, dear?" he asked. She read the card aloud to him. "Happy Anniversary! Your number two!"

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card. She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said. "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Seven years," she replied.

When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us. Our sign read "Just Married!"

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.” “How do you know that?” asked the officer. “I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale.'"

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied. "Please tell him Mother didn't come after all."

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always fighting. Then one morning as Mrs. Smith was driving around town, running some errands, her car was crashed into by a hit and run driver at a relatively low speed. A police officer rushed up and asked her if she'd taken the car's number. "I didn't need to," replied Mrs. Smith. "It was my husband in that car." "Did you see him?" asked the officer. "No," said Mrs. Smith, "but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

A husband and wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You are a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

(Husband) Honey, at this year’s office Halloween party why don’t I wear a superman costume you can go as a witch? (Wife) How clever! (Husband) What do you mean? (Wife) It’s a polar opposite theme right?

A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police. The man says," Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I'm not taking any chances this time!"

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it didn't take long before the wife got lost. The husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it. When he got there, a police officer asked him for the wife's description. "What's that?" asked the husband. "Well, you see a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", 140 lbs, 38-25-36 measurements. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?" "The heck with her, lets go look for yours!"