Jokes

My daughter loved the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and wanted a pair of ruby slippers just like Dorothy. My wife found a pair that were perfect, except they were very slippery on the stairs. I told my daughter not to wear them when she was using the stairs. While sitting in my living room I heard the clomp, clomp, clomp of what I knew to be ruby slippers. I yelled up at my daughter saying, "I thought I told you not to wear those shoes on the stairs?" She replied, "Daddy, I am just carrying my shoes downstairs with my feet."

Son: "Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?" Dad: "I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school." Son: "Dad, I am not going to school today." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I am studying from home today."

May: "I've never been skiing before." Dad: "You don't want to, trust me." May: "Why?" Dad: "You meet many bad things, like pine tree for instance."

A 5 year old kid opened his birthday present to find a new toy car. He went up to his father who had just finished dying his hair. The kid was upset. “Dad, I wanted a red toy car and not a blue one.” The father replied, “A car is a car. Red or blue, color doesn’t matter.” The kid said, “Then dad, hair is hair. White or black, color doesn’t matter.”

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first embarrassing moment at school. Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh, how did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital." Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed." "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

"Daddy," said my 10-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army." "Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you." "But I don’t want to be a pilot." "You don’t have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force." Her answer: "I don’t want to be a flight attendant either."

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?" As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

A boy was talking to his kindergarten friend at recess. He said, "When I grow up I want to be the big bad wolf." "Why?" asked his friend. "Because I want to deliver presents to kids all over the world on Christmas," he replied. Looking puzzled his friend said, "I believe you’re thinking of Santa Claus." "Nope," he replies, "it’s the big bad wolf. How else are you going to put presents in locked houses?" "Then what does Santa Clause do?" asked the friend. "Santa puts money under your pillow if you lose a tooth. Next recess I’ll tell you how Little Red Riding hood met the three bears. Oh and why the Easter Bunny hangs out with the three little pigs who went wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" "How do you know all this stuff?" "It’s easy, mom makes my dad read to me every night."

Son: Dad, will you remember me in 5 years? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 year? Dad: Yes. Son: 6 months? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 month? Dad: Yes Son 1 week? Dad: Yes. Son: 5 days? Dad: Yes. Son: 5 hours? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 hour? Dad: Yes. Son: 30 minutes? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 minute? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 second? Dad: Yes. Son: Knock Knock Dad: Who's there? Son: See, you forgot me already!!!

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

The local pastor was making his annual visit and was invited to dinner at the Brown family. As Mr. and Mrs. Brown prepared dinner in the kitchen, the pastor was sitting with their five year old son in living room. The pastor asked the boy what he expected they were going to have for dinner. The boy immediately replied, "goat". Thinking this was rather strange he asked, "What makes you think we are going to have goat for dinner?" The boy replied, "I heard dad tell mom they were having the old goat for dinner tonight."

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..." Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!" Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you." Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son." Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?" Son: "Let them sleep with daddy." Daddy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?" He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted. The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida. The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska. The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though. I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.

Dad ask my Mom, why wont you let the boy wear his hat, coat and gloves to go out and build a snowman with the other kids? Mom - I don't want him to stay out long enough to catch cold!

My daughter was listening to her radio in the other room, I yelled out to her and ask, "What the heck is that disturbing noise?" She replied, "That's my radio daddy." I said, "Well try mine it doesn't sound like that!"

Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are. First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out. Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water. Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.

One day a curious little girl started asking her mommy questions about the origin of her little brother. She just kept asking questions and her mommy believed she should have an answer to ANY question she asked. One question led to another and eventually the mommy had to describe to the little girl EXACTLY how the sperm got to the egg.... The little girl got a disgusted look on her face and shouted, "EEEEWWWW!!! and you and daddy had to do it TWICE!!!!"

A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. “How would you like your hair cut today, son?” asked the barber. “Oh, do it like you do Daddy’s, with the big hole at the back.”

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father. “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?” “Without, of course.” “Well, then, he said nothing.”

A kindergarten teacher asked: “What is the shape of the earth?” After a pause a little girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy…terrible!”

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me? Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right. Sam: Well, at least you could try.

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”