Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours.

A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink. His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’

A fellow’s wife was disgusted over her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!” He sticks out his hand…”Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”

Why, when the birds fly in the shape of a V, one line is shorter than the other? Because one line has more birds in it, duh.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

Scientists are conducting experiments to determine why a giraffe’s legs are so long. I’m no expert, but at a guess I’d say that if they were shorter they wouldn’t reach the ground.

Murphy is stood outside his house when he spots Paddy walking down the street with a strange animal by his side. “whats that weird looking creature you have there?” he asks “oooohhh” replies Paddy “this is the fiercest dog in Ireland its called a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog” “We’ll see about that ! i have a Rottweiler, a Doberman and a Pit Bull Terrier in the back yard lets put this long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog of yours to the test” Murphy laughs “I’ll bet you a 100 that my dog can beat all three of them at the same time” says Paddy proudly So they shake on the bet and go to the back yard where the Rottweiller, Doberman and Pit Bull are growling and barking. Murphy opens the gate and the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog walks in. After a few seconds fur is flying and the dogs are screaming, then silence…… They look into the yard to see the long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog stood alone with no trace of the other three dogs apart from some blood and fur around its mouth. “well you were right Paddy” says Murphy as he’s handing over the ?100 “what did you say it was called again ? a long nosed, short legged, long tailed Irish attack dog ?” “Yup” replies Paddy “but in other parts of the world they call it a Crocodile!”

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. "That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor. "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly. "Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?" "Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet. This man takes his duck everywhere he goes. The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them. While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theater that is playing their all time favorite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says “I’m sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theater”. The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theater to see the movie. Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him. Along come two girls who sit beside him. A short time later the first girl says to the second girl “This man’s Zipper is down” The second girl replies “So what, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”. First Girl “Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!”

Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry At the Post: They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert," "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

What do you get from a short-legged cow? Dragon milk.

A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!" The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!" The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!" Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth, “Well that was a short fcukin’ day!”

A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes. He sits at the bar and orders a beer. A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back. He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down. Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same. The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's . The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life. So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours. Been going ten years so far. The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back.  Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off.  As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves. 10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit. This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room. He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum. The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20. The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back. About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar. The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it. The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was bigger than the donkeys. Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it. Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably. The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth. I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other. They both got amnesia from the crash. "Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused. "Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..." "I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!" "And what am I?" asked the skunk. "Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smelly, with a strip in the middle..." "Wow!", yelled the skunk, "Probably I'm an ass!"

A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.

Two girl sprinters are training for the 100 metres race. One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds." The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record." So the other says: "Ah hah, but I took a short cut."

Shortly before his death, Don Bradman, who famously averaged 99.94 in cricket Tests for Australia, was asked what he thought his average would be against the then poor England team. “About 50 or 60,” he replied, after thinking for a minute. “Surely it would be much higher?” queried the interviewer. “Oh, I don’t know,” said Bradman, “I am ninety-two.”

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away-we may have a situation on our hands!”. Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger-”How do you like that?”

bob the builder was short on workers so he had to hire a blonde,he said you only need to do some hammering. a few hours later bob returns to see the entire work crew (blonde included) piss drunk he asks who is responsible for this. blonde says me but she also says why are you mad? I only did what you asked.