Jokes

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager." She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

In the name of the Lord God: One day a sergeant came back home and said to his wife: Everything has changed in the army. From now on, he added, we are free to follow the orders of our officers and we can discuss the matters with them. His wife answered: That is in the army. Here at home none of that. Get up and wash the dishes!

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING" Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY" No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the farmer calls and says he’s taken care of the problem. The sheriff is curious to see how. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees." "Yes sir, I believe I can help you," replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no... I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate." 

Little Johnny and his family seldom had guests, so he was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

After eating his entire meal, an elderly man motioned for the server. When the server approached him, he asked for the manager. He explained he would not pay for the meal. The manager responded by contacting the police. When the police arrived, they heard the complaint. They responded to the senior, "You need to pay for your meal, Sir." The man vehemently refused to pay. The frustrated police officer said, "But you ate the entire meal?" The old man yelled back, "I kept hoping the next bite would be better."

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor. When she was leaving the investor's office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined. The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received a message from him: "So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools."

Robinson Crusoe, the shipwrecked golfer, made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers. "You're too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly, "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. : "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!" "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone # to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf. The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine. The boss then said, can you move a little faster I'm in the foursome behind you.

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer. He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working." I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."

As I was waiting in the Doctor's office the day after Christmas I accidentally overheard a conversation between the desk employee and another patient on the phone. Employee: "Ma'am the Doctor's office will be closed for the next few days due to the snow storm headed into town. Would you please choose a date to reschedule? Would sometime next week be fine? I could hear the patient on the phone getting upset and not wanting to change her appointment. Trying to be as polite as he could, the employee began again: "But ma'am when you show up this week for your appointment no one will be here because of the snow storm." I then heard yelling from the woman on the line before she abruptly hung up. The employee shook his head in disbelief. Trying to make his day a little better I said, "You would think after Christmas people would have a better attitude." Employee: "She's more Halloween than Christmas!"

Santa walks into the psychiatrist's office very upset. "Why Santa," says the psychiatrist,"Why are you here?" "I can't deliver the presents to the children's homes!!!" replies Santa. "Well, what's the problem?" asks the psychiatrist. "I don't know," says Santa, "I get very scared and anxious and just can't go down the chimney. What is it Doctor? "Do you know what's wrong with me?" asks Santa. "Yes," says the psychiatrist,"I know exactly what's wrong with you, Santa. You are suffering from CLAUS-trophia!"

Why is Christmas like a day at the office? Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

So the Judge asks the Policeman........ So officer what do you think about the man that was shot using a starting pistol ? The Policeman said "I think it was Race related your honour" ;-)

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge. “I’m a locksmith, your honor.” “And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’ “ I was making a bolt for the door!”

At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” “Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”

Son: "Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?" Dad: "I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school." Son: "Dad, I am not going to school today." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I am studying from home today."

A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive." Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”After a brief pause, my daughter replies, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

A third grader that got into trouble from time to time was in the principal’s office for a quiet talking to. “And Peter,” asked the principal, “how do yu like your teacher? Do you get along all right?’ “Oh, yes sir,” replied Peter. “ I think she’s the cream of the coop.”

Little Tim, a 5 year old called 911 and very softly said: "hello”. Officer Pam asked: are your parents there? Little Tim answered: "yes, their busy", the police, the fire department are here and they are busy” Officer Pam said, so son your telling me that the police, fire department, and your parents are there and they are all busy? Little Tim: "yes" Officer Pam: What are they all doing Little Tim: "Looking for me"

A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.  The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.  A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$75 due for a consultation."

A man was arraigned for assault and battery and brought before the judge. Judge: What is your name, occupation, and what are you charged with? Prisoner: My name is Sparky, I am an electrician and I'm charged with battery. Judge (after recovering his equilibrium): Officer, put this guy in a dry cell.

A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium. “What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks. “Stones, sir,” the officer replies. The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.” “It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”