Jokes

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

Little Johnny and his family seldom had guests, so he was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £1.50. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £1.75. A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!

Splenda Daddy - a person who tries to be a Sugar Daddy, but just doesn't have enough funds for it.

Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window!"

A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf. The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time. On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one.“Okay, nice shot dad," said the son, thinking quickly on his feet. “Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”

Moses, Jesus and some' ol geezer are going to play a round of golf. Moses tees off, the ball goes right into the pond. No problem! Moses walks over parts the water and hits the ball again, where it lands about 1 foot from the first hole. Jesus then tees off and the ball goes flying off to the left, hits a tree, then miraculously bounces to about 6 inches from the hole. The' ol geezer steps up, tees off, the ball heads right for the pond, a huge bass jumps up grabs the ball in its mouth, suddenly an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flies over the green, the bass drops the ball and it rolls to just about 2 inches from the hole! All of a sudden a worm pops up and knocks the ball in. A hole in one. Moses looks at Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate it when your DAD plays."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes... He then said, " You know, one would have been enough."

Q: What does a ghost call his mom and dad? A: His transparents.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "I'm tired of talking about this too, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

The REAL Night Before Christmas (By Parents) 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

The older sister asks her younger brother, "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?" Without missing a beat, the little brother replies, "A list of everything I want."

Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo. Benny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny was taking it all in with a serious expression. Daddy," Benny said finally, "if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up..." "Yes, son?" Benny's father said expectantly. Benny continued, "What bus should I take home?

When I was eight my Dad was taking me to see a movie. On the way there I asked him if he would buy me some gum. He said, "No, you don't need any." After arriving at the theater and taking ours seats, Dad changed his mind. He told me it would be okay for me to have some gum and he was going to get it. I spoke up and said, "You don't need to buy me gum anymore, Daddy. I found some under the seat."

My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine... Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me... but I don't have time to draw you."

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..." Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?” "Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.” Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?" The boy shook his head and answered, "Got anything like a blank report card?"

Mom: Son, you’re good in math. Now I’m going to ask you a question. Son: Okay, mom. Mom: Your dad gives you 3 apples. Then I give you 4 apples. What’s your answer? Son: Thank you very much?!?!?

A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?" A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

Son: "Mom, do fairies fly?" Mom: "Yes honey, they do. Why do you ask?" Kid: "This morning dad told the maid that she looks like Tinkerbell, the fairy. Does that mean she will fly too?" Mom: "Oh yes, she will fly right out of this house!"

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride. We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, "Daddy! We're so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants." Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, "Those are ants my dear, we haven't taken off yet."

Six year old daughter: "Do you know what they called Batman and Robin after the Joker ran over them with a steam roller?" Daddy: "No, what?" Six year old daughter: "Flatman and Ribbon."

A four year old got her daddy out of bed early one Saturday morning. As he was fixing her breakfast she asked, "Why do you have one eye open and one eye closed"? Her father looked at her and smiled as he said, "I'm still half asleep."

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

Tom to his mom: "Mom, please tell me a story?" Mom: "Sorry, honey, I don't have any new stories to tell. But you should ask your dad why he was late coming home today. He will then tell you some amazing stories."

Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math. "Son, can you explain this to me?" "Well dad, the teacher didn't have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!"

Child (looking at the sky): "Daddy, what are clouds made of?" Dad: "Well honey, EMC storage and VMware ESXi servers, mostly." Child: ......