Jokes

Q. How do men define a long-term relationship? A. A second date.

“I spent our entire relationship trying to change the man he was all the way until I broke up with him for not being the same man I met and fell in love with” ~ Women

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Warning to all men: women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered, it wasn’t mine.

Why was the civil engineer's relationship so unstable? Because there was no truss left!

I love the relationship I have with my bed. No commitment and we sleep together every night.

Stable relationships are for horses.

I'd rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.

If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets. Sam calls Abe and says, “I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!” Abe says, “How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you …” Sam interrupts, “I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, …one thousand dollars, …yes or no!!” Abe says, “Okay, okay, I’ll take your bet! How long is yours soft?” Sam says, “Eleven years!”

Why don't couples go to the gym together? Because some relationships don't work out!

I want our relationship to be like a Nintendo DS cartridge. If we have any problems, take it out, blow on it, and put it back in.

My girlfriend just told me she has a STD… I think I’m Gonorrhoea-valuate our relationship

Q. What do farts and relationships have in common? A. The harder you have to push the shitier they become.

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

To make a relationship work you need to make a lot of sacrifices which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden.

My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my “sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”. Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

What do relationships and video games have in common? They both start off easy, then they get a little harder and then you end up cheating.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

My Current Relationship Status: Made dinner for two… Ate both.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices…. Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

Me and my wife have an on-off relationship. Every time I get on she tells me to get off.

Just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It’s OK though, it wasn’t my relationship.

Why does Usain Bolt suffer from relationship problems? Because he always comes first.

Me and my parents have always had a difficult relationship. At dinner when we used to have alphabet spaghetti they used to spell ‘f*ck off’ on my plate.