Jokes

A police officer stops a young woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A security patrol officer in a senior gated community stopped an elderly gentleman in a speeding golf cart. "Sir, do you know your wife fell out of your golf cart when you hit that last speed bump?" "Oh, that is wonderful officer", replied. "I am so relieved." "Didn't you hear me? Your wife fell out of the cart!" the officer said in astonishment. "You don't understand, I could not hear a thing for the last ten minutes... I thought I had gone deaf."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust". I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers! I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.” My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.” My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.” “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.” The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”. Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”

A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?" The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on. One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!" After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not? In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER". She replies,"No a pair of socks".

My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. ''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?'' Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.''

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

At an election booth, a woman was applying electoral ink to her forefinger. She asked, "How long will this last?" The officer replied, "60 days!" The woman asks, "Could you please color my hair as well?"

What do you call a police officer in the time of the dinosaurs? A Triceracop!

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin: “For best results, put on two coats”.

Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, “You won’t believe this, Terry, but George takes a fishing- pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub.” “You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”

The girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up for blocks. The light turned green, then yellow, then red. “Whatsa madda, miss,” shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?”

Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks. Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped..... She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost. Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn. So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john) He jerked the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.” ‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”

An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat. On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper. The others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. “Oh yes,” he said. “They‘re my friends.” “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!” “Yes, sir,” the man replied and he began rowing furiously.

The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!” The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”

A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.” The panhandler replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve." Then the man in front of me piped up.... "You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal's office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day. We agreed that he should be disciplined the same was I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age? We sent him to MY room!

When he saw how astronomically high his latest phone bill was, the head of house called a family meeting. “This is unacceptable,” said the father. ”You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use this phone. I always use the one in the office.” The mother said, ”Same here. I hardly use the home phone, because I use my work phone.” The son said, ”Me, too. I never use the home phone. I always use the company's mobile." ”So what is the problem?” asked the maid. ”We all use our work telephones.”

A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What's your mother's name?" The boy replied, "Mom." The nurse said, "Well, what does your dad call her?" The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad." As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?" The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said, "Idiot."

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter. Dad: "This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone." Mom: "Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone." Son: "I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone." All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time. Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"