Jokes

A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few guys. What is wrong with this joke? 1. This isn't a joke 2. The blonde is thinking

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated." What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?" The fireman says, "No!" The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

A blond and a brunette were walking past a flower shop. The brunette looked inside and said, "Oh shit! He's in there!" "Who's in there?", the blond asked. "My boyfriend.", came the reply. "Well, what's he doing?" the blond inquired. "He's buying flowers." answered the brunette. "What's the matter with you, ...don't you like to get flowers?" "Of course I do, but therein lies the problem." "What problem?" the blond asked innocently. "For the next three days, I'll be laying on my back, with my feet in the air!" the brunette explained. After the blond thought about what her friend had just said, she offered, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: ‘Its golf balls’. Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow

Two blonds were driving to Disneyland. The sing said: Disneyland Left. So they started crying and headed home.

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear." Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!" The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear." The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag? A: "What did you name the other one?"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

My missus has just pointed at the TV, jumped up and down and screamed “OHMYGOD! THEY HAVE THE SAME CHAIR AS ME!” Didn’t have the heart to tell her the TV was off and it was just her reflection.

Breaking news - Suicidal blonde kills twin by mistake

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

a blond and a guy go in a elevator the guys ask were shes going she says to give blood i get 20$ from it were are you going? guy says to donate sperm i get like 500$ from it next day they meet again he asks were shes going she says sperm bank with her mouth full

A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." "Whatcha got in it?" "A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer? A: Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!

How do you make a blond laugh on saturday? Tell her a joke on wensday.

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

Anna and blonde are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with Anna uses her panties and the blonde uses a nearby wreath. The next day anna's boyfriend calls his friend, "They are never going out again! Anna came home without panties!" The other replies, "You think that's bad? My girlfriend came with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"

One day a blonde woman entered an autobody shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car. The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out. The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing. After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down. Your personal check for the full $30,000.”

Blonde girl goes and signs up at a gym to work out, as she's walking around to see where she wants to start a trainer walks up to her and tells her if this is your first time working out i have to tell you that for the 1st week your body will feel very sore. The girls says, well thanx for the tip ill just go home and start next week then

Blonde 1: Don't tell anyone but Bees scare me. Blonde 2: Dont worry, the whole alphabet scares me

How do you know when a blonde is using a vibrator? Her teeth are all jacked up!

What happened to the blond ice hockey team? They drown at spring training.

A stunning blonde, in breath taking extremely tight jeans is walking down the street. A guy, looking at her with his tongue on his shoes, asks her: ‘I’m very sorry, but I just need to know… How does one ever get in those pants? ‘Well’, she said, ‘you could start with offering me a drink…’

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification. The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.” “Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.” “Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you."

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down. The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house. "That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"

A brunette and a blonde are walking in the park. The brunette asks: "Hey can you see that forest over there?" The blonde looks that way and answers: "I can't, the trees are covering the view."