Jokes

What do you call a strong black man in Jail? Yo Daddy

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Father, don’t I have to work? No, my lucky son. We’re living now on Easy Street, on dough from Washington. We’ve left things up to Uncle Sam, so don’t get exercised. No-one has to give a damn. We’ve all been subsidized! But if Sam treats us all so well, and feeds us milk and honey, please, Daddy, tell me what the hell He’s going to do for money? Don’t worry, Bub, there’s not a hitch in this-here noble plan. We merely soak the Filthy Rich and feed the Common Man. But, Daddy, won’t there come a time when they’ll run out of cash? And we’ll have left, then, not a dime and things will go to smash?! My faith in you is shrinking, son, you nosey little brat! You do too damned much thinking, son, to be a Democrat!

Granddad: how old are you? Me: ....13. Granddad: when I was your age I was 13 Me: -___-

Daddy, I hate mommy's guts. Just eat what you can son.

"Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there." Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee’s home number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, ‘Hello?’ ‘Is your Daddy home?’ he asked. ‘Yes’, whispered the small voice. ‘May I speak to him?’ The child whispered ‘No.’ Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well may I speak to her, then?’ Again the small voice whispered ‘No.’ Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’ ‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman.’ Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak to the policeman?’ ‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’ ‘Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered reply. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked ‘What’s that noise?’ ‘A helicopter’, answered the whispering voice. ‘Whats going on there?’ demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ‘The search team has just landed a helicopter.’ Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked ‘What are they searching for?’ Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ‘ME!’

"Daddy what's a complete pass?" "We don't know son. We're 2013 Broncos fans."

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when home. Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three year during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a Purple Heart on!” Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, “at this point, I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play.

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words “That bus is going quite fast.”

How old is your Granddad? “I don’t know, but we’ve had him a long time.”

My daughter was asking if we needed a cat in order to be more religious, "why a cat?" i asked. She replied "because daddy, the pope is a cat-holic".

My granddad died peacefully in his sleep last night. Unfortunately the passengers on his bus all died screaming.

A mummy, daddy and baby tomato were walking along. The baby tomato had really short legs so he was falling behind. Impatient, the daddy tomato turned and squashed him saying, "Ketchup"

A boy came home holding his exam paper which showed full marks. He was crying and his mother asked him why. He said, "Daddy told me to get 90 marks but I got 100!"

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly. “Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him” The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this: If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t. If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it. And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. “It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves. “Daddy, were you in a war?” “Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be. Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

Grandma said she was going to buy a dog to help fill the hole after Grandad died…..That woman is sick

We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television. “I miss when there were no remotes,” He grumbled, “And all you got was a series of knobs on the television.” So I showed him “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

I found out by accident last night that my girlfriend is adopted. We were in bed together and I’m shouting, “Who’s your daddy, Who’s your daddy?” “I don’t know!” she replied, “There’s an agency looking for him but they don’t have any clues.”

“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.

What did the troops say to Bush & Rumsfeld when they told them to march to Baghdad? We Kuwait!

I was at home today when my girlfriend rung up in a very sorry state, asking if I could go and see her. I did, and when I met her at her place, she was in floods of tears. Her parents had been round earlier that day to break the harsh news that she had been adopted. I tried to comfort her, but that wasn’t really working. Just more and more tears. However after a bit of time, she asked me to kiss her. That led to making love to her, which led to…Oh great, more tears. Apparently banging her up the ass whilst shouting “Who’s ya Daddy!” wasn’t the best way to make her feel better.

We call our grandad “Spiderman”. He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.