Jokes

Why do squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

An elephant asks a camel, "Why do you have your breast on your back?" The camel says, "That's a pretty dumb question coming from someone who has a penis on his face."

What color socks do bears wear? (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree? 'Cause he was dead!

Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut? A: The ba-ba shop

A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not...

Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.

Q: How did the bee hurt his back? A: He fell off his honey.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].” The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”

Why did the duck get arrested? because he was selling quack

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Q: What's a wok? A: Something you throw at a wabbit.

Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

Q: Why did the squirrel lay on its stomach? A: To keep its nuts warm.

The snake was punished because Chuck Norris tempted it to ate the apple.

What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest.

What happens when you kiss a canary? You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

What animal is either happy & playful or viscous & deadly depending on its mood? …… A bi-polar bear.

Where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs? Wherever you put it, dumbass.

What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift.

I saw a report on CNN, and the report said the killer bees are coming -- the killer bees! But these were killer bees 'cause they were 'Africanized.' What are these -- hip hop bees?

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.' So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.' The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?' The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'

I bet you won't know this, I'm not expecting you to know, I am expecting you to read this. Humans kill 3 sharks a second just for shark fin soup! That is if they keep it up for a whole lifetime starting as you read this (that is impossible because they would all be extinct) but if we did and you had a life of 80 years then 20,736,000 sharks would have been killed by humans just for a bowl of shark fin soup. Shark fin soup is horrible and the shark fins only add a bit of texture. People only eat it on special occasions like weddings to make a statement. People hook them through the skin pull them out of the water alive where they can't breathe and slice all their fins off while they are still alive! Then they just drop the rest back in the ocean the shark still alive and dropped into the water alive to drown (sharks can't breathe unless they move at a fast enough speed through the water). This is just RIDICULOUS. Over the last 5 years only an average of 3 people were killed each year by sharks with a maximum of 4 in the highest year. In contrast we are killing close to 100 million sharks per year and most of them are simply killed for their fins to make shark fin soup, a status symbol in China. Next time you go into a Chinese restaurant and you see shark fin soup on the menu remember an animal that has almost the same life span as you died for that soup and his fins were severed from his body and the body dumped over the side. Virtually all the shark attacks happened because the shark thought the victim was either a seal (in the case of a surfer think how a surfer looks from below) or there was poor visibility in shallow water. Virtually all attacks are a single bite and the shark didnt come back for more because it didnt taste like he expected. The deaths are usually due to blood loss. Sharks have far more to fear from us than we do from them, and if you listen to years of extensive research made by many dedicated scientists, you will press kick ass. Thank you.

Q: Why did the bunny hop around on one leg? A: Because the other one was on a key chain.

What do you call fish poop? BassTurds!

Will I ever be able to race my horse again the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you ll probably beat her too!"

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen. "No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!" "I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

There were two blondes at the park. One says, "Look at that dead seagull over there." And the other looks up and says, "Where?"

First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.