Jokes

Yo' Mama's teeth are so busted, she can kiss yo' daddy and comb her mustache at the same time.

Eirn: haha your dads gay Me: F**k off Eirn: you take it up the ass by your dady Me: Hay your like a squirrel the only thing you care about is how much nuts you can fit in your mouth at ounce.

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your arse downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. “Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?” Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass !”

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living. Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said. Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.'' The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite. The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Why do Mexican kids walk around school like the own the place? Because their dads built, and their mom clean it

There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!" And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window. The Russian says "I hate my country!" And throughs a bomb out the window. Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "a soup fell on my mom's head and she burnt to death." "I didn't do that" says the Mexican. the American was walking and saw a kid crying "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn't see!!" "I didn't do that" says the American. then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says "what's so funny?" The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!!!!"

Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused? A: His daddy was really a mummy.

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred. She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock. After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder. So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !

- Daddy, daddy... Why is it that everyone calls me stupid? - I don't know kid; I am not your daddy.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

I took on a summer job this year. I'm working down at the beach here, and I'm a lifeguard. Of course, I'm working on commission. 'Hey, you kids, go play in the riptide. Go on there. Daddy needs a new CD.'

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. "Can you guess what it is?" "I don't know," said the boy. "I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning." The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, “K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better.” Little Johnny’s mother shouts, “Don’t start your father’s crap with me!”

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. … … Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. … … Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND….” … … Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. … … So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, “Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?” “He thinks a lot, dear” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband’s baldness. “Then why do you have so much hair?” asked Little Johnny.

Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: “What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?” “Well, sir,” says Johnny, “when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big t*ts and a wet pussy.” The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father. The next day, the teacher asks: “So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?” “Well, sir,” says Johnny, “we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a fcuking queer.”

One day Little Johnny asks his Mum, "How come when I come in to your room you and you're on top of Daddy, you say you're making a sandwich, but after a while I come in again, you're eating a sausage?!"

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, wrote the word “PERIOD” on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period” reported Johnny. “Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Dammmmnnn if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and Uncle Bob crap himself.”

Little Johnny: “Mummy, last night I saw the baby-sitter kissing a strange man in our living room.” …. … Mum: “What?!” …. …. …. Little Johnny: “Ha-ha, April Fool … it was only Daddy.”

If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves. In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

S addam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!” A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. “Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!” Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

I said to grandad, “I had my mates round last night. We ordered a load of pizzas and had a game of poker.” “Dominoes?” he asked. I said, “No you deaf old man, poker.”