Jokes

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

TEACHER: Alice, go to the map and find Australia ALiCE: Here it is! TEACHER: Now, class, who found Australia? CLASS: Alice!

After picking up my kindergartner today, I asked him. Steven were you good today? Yeah Mom. He replied. I said, are you sure? Yes mom, I'm sure. Well I hope you didn't make your teacher cry today, did you? Still trying to pick it out of him. I said, now you know that Jesus see's you if you're bad or not. Then he looked over at me while getting distressed. He said, Well let Jesus tell you if I was bad or not!!!

A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog. The teacher asked if it was alive or dead. The little boy said that it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said , "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the classroom asked, "How will that help?"

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"

Teacher: "Lean, how old were you on your very last birthday?" Lean: "Seven." Teacher: "Then how old will you be on your next birthday?" Lean: "Nine." Teacher: "That's impossible!" Lean: "No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"

A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade. The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie." "Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter. "Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E –E- L -K… E- L- E-K…." Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father." Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O–O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."

My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

Knock, knock... Who’s there? Terrible English Teacher... Terrible English Teacher who? It’s Whom.

Recently, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, unable to handle the odors coming from this guy, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Teacher: Why are you late? Little Johnny: There was an old man that lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: Were you helping him search for it? How nice of you. Little Johnny: Actually I was sitting on it, waiting for him to give up searching and leave.

Biology Teacher: Did you know that you have 60,000 miles of blood vessels in your body? Little Johnny: No wonder I have tired blood.

Little Johnny was awaiting the arrival of his piano teacher when his mother inquired, "Little Johnny, did you wash your hands?" Little Johnny replied, "Yes." Mother: "And your face?" Little Johnny: "Yes mother." Mother: "And did you wash behind your ears?" Little Johnny: "On her side, I did."

Teacher: "Class does anyone know what is a comet?" Little Johnny: "A what?" Teacher: "A comet. You know what a comet is?" Little Johnny: "No." Teacher: "Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?" Little Johnny: "Oh sure. Mickey Mouse. "

Little Johnny: I’m not going back to school anymore. Mom: Why not? Little Johnny: On Monday the teacher said that four and four make eight. On Tuesday she said six and two make eight. Today she said five and three make eight. I’m not going back until she makes up her mind.

Teacher: Little Johnny, how do you spell “rain”? Little Johnny: R-A-N-E. Teacher: That’s the worst spell of rain we’ve had around here in a long time.

Sunday School Teacher: "Now Little Johnny, I want you to memorize today's motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive." Little Johnny: "Yes mam, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business." Teacher: "Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?" Little Johnny: "He's a boxer."

Little Johnny's teacher was was discussing the weather in chemistry class? She asked, "When rain falls does it ever rise again?" After asking various students she called on Little Johnny. "Yes, it does... in dew time."

During history class the teacher was discussing George Washington. "George Washington, not only did he chopped down his cherry tree," the teacher explained, "but he also admitted to doing it. Does anyone know why his father did not punish him? " After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny answered, "Maybe because George still had the ax in his hand?"

Teacher: Little Johnny, if one and one make two, and two and two makes four, how much does four and four make? Little Johnny: That isn’t fair, teacher. You answer the easy ones yourself and leave the hard ones for us.

Teacher: Little Johnny, how old were you on your last birthday? Little Johnny: Seven. Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday? Little Johnny: Nine. Teacher: That's impossible. Little Johnny: No it isn’t teacher. I’m eight today.

The teacher asked the class to write a composition telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every pupil except Little Johnny began to write immediately. Little Johnny sat idle, twiddling his thumbs, looking out the window. Teacher collected the papers, and Little Johnny handed in a blank sheet. “Why Little Johnny,” the teacher said, ”everyone has written two pages or more, while you have done nothing. Why is that? “Well,” replied Little Johnny, “that’s what I would do if I had a million dollars.”

Teacher: Are you good in history? Little Johnny: Yes and no. Teacher: What does that mean? Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.

Father: Little Johnny, I see by your report card that you are not doing well in history. How come? Little Johnny: I can’t help it. The teacher always asks me about things that happened before I was born.

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?” “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny. “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?” “Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”