Jokes

Preparing for a yard sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar. "This is a great deal," he said excitedly. "It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame.

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim. Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

A not-so-smart lady called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Los Angeles to New York? The busy agent replied, "Just a moment." The not-so-smart lady replied, "Thank you," and then hung up.

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma... All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC!

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Opperknockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Opperknockity only tunes once!"

When A Man and a Woman get a haircut... Women: Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men: Man 2: Haircut? Man 1: Yeah.

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck." He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target and... Long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.

Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short-cut!

Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great chest you have." The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite." He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have", the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite". He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have."

On his patrol a policeman came across four guys in a tree and he asked that they come down. After they all came down the policeman asked, "Who are you guys?" One of the guys replied, "Geez what a memory! We are the guys that were up in the tree!"

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

And the unexpected winner of the race was... The Barber... however he did do a short cut.

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short . . . "

One summer, many years ago, there was a Key Club "Farm Boy/City Boy Exchange" program. The city boy from a Chicago suburb spent several days in southern Illinois on a farm with the farm boy and his family. This was a working dairy farm, so there were plenty of cows which had to be milked at least twice a day. The city boy returned home and was invited to lunch at the local Kiwanis Club which had sponsored the exchange program. The city boy gave a short presentation about his week on the dairy farm One club member asked the city boy how he liked milking all those cows. The whole club listened carefully and erupted with laughter when the boy unknowingly said. "Well it was good at first, but it sure got teatious, I mean tedious, after awhile."

It's better to be short than not a tall.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) A backwards poet writes inverse. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds? The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Without geometry, life is pointless.

"Could you learn to love me?" ask the young man. "Well," sighed the young lady. "I did learn shorthand in just three months."

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?” They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says. He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says, "Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home." "$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Bob.

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way. “Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?” Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”

Item in the "Cyclops Dating for Dummies" book: Never date a cyclops much shorter than you. Why? You'll never see eye to eye on anything.

This is the shortest murder story ever written: Wife: Are you listening to me? Husband: No.

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister. "I guess so," answered the man. "Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?" "Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."