Jokes

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Relationship between men and women is psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.

It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.

The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.

I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.

You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships -- especially that girlfriend that ain't got nobody.

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is: -- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her -- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in -- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it. -- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

This may save you some pain and some time. If you ever go out with someone who says this to you, 'I don't know why I'm not in a relationship; I have so much love to give,' you should just know that what this really means is, 'I am the black hole of emotional need and will suck the life out of you.'

One in every three people cheat in their relationships…just wondering: is it my wife, or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

AT&T ruined my last relationship because I'd get bad reception. My girlfriend would yell at me for it. 'Hello? I can't hear you! What? What? Why don't you call me back when you can get a better signal.' I was so scared of her, I'd apologize. 'I'm sorry, honey. I shouldn't have been standing so far from away from the satellite. I'll try to get those coordinates from CIA so I can cater to your every ridiculous complaint.'

I'm happy with my relationship status: I'm about to get married. I just don't know to who yet.

I have a love/hate relationship with my wife. She’s bipolar.

I've just ended this relationship with this woman. I think the chemistry was all wrong -- she blew up.

It's a terrible thing when the relationship goes into the danger zone. There's nothing worse than that feeling of imminent dumpage. This is usually the time in the relationship when the couple gets the bright idea, 'I know, honey, we'll go away for the weekend -- just the two of us, work it all out.' That's a great idea. Let's put two hostile people in a four-by-four cabin in the middle of nowhere. They do episodes of 'Murder She Wrote' with that kind of plot.

Here's when I knew it was over -- three months into the relationship, we're sitting at a traffic light, and she leans over and punches me right in the face for no reason. I clearly remember thinking, I'm going to give her four more years and nine months, and that is it.

I've learned that being in a really committed relationship, it's about compromise, but it's also about knowing what you want and getting that out of it. Like, for instance, I've told her I can't go through with the wedding unless our song is 'The Monster Mash.' And that's gotten me out of a lot of planning I don't want to do.

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest in sεx. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sεxual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. “Want some of this?” she purred. “Are you kidding?” he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.”

I saw a little pamphlet called “The secret of a happy marriage” in the bookstore. I wondered how such profound wisdom could be condensed into a booklet that small, and I gladly paid the asking price of 17.95 to finally master my relationship with the better half. I opened it up and it contained one sentence: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.

Brian and Dave were drinking down at the pub. Brian turned to his mate and said, “The thrill is gone from my marriage. What should I do?” Dave thought for a moment and replied, “Why not add some spice and intrigue to your relationship by having an affair?” “What if my bloody wife finds out?” Brian cried. “Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel,” suggested Dave. So Brian went home to his wife that evening and sat her down to have a talk. He said, “Honey, I love you very much but I think we’re sort of stuck in a rut. I think maybe if I have an affair, it will bring us closer together.” “I doubt it,” she replied calmly. “I tried it last week and it didn’t fcuking work.”

Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I'm not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don't even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.

When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm for 10 seconds too long, I'm like, 'Owwww. Get off my arm, man.'

My wife and I are in what you would call a love-hate relationship. “She loves me, I hate her”

Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."

I heard women find men in long-term relationships more attractive than men who are single so I’ve decided to move into a 1 bedroom apartment with my mum.