Jokes

A man went to his doctor to go over his blood work results. As soon as he entered the doctor's office, the doctor said to him, "I just looked at your results. You are lucky that you come to see me early enough..." The man became very nervous and asked, "What's wrong with my blood work?" "Oh nothing! Just that I'll be leaving my office early today," replied the doctor.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will soon have a nervous breakdown: 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him something especially nice. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. 7. And most importantly, keep him far away from your mother." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. She replied, "He said you'll soon have a nervous breakdown."

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to showcase her works of art in the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"

A woman with a baby walked into a doctor's office. She asked if they could weigh the baby. A nurse said that the baby scale was not working that day, but what they could do is weigh the mother while she was holding the baby, and then weigh the mother by herself, and subtract. The woman thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't work," she said, "I'm not the mother; I'm the aunt."

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to... 14 pounds???”

Dewey dragged himself into his doctor's office one day looking very exhausted. "Doctor," he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!" "I have good news for you, Dewey," the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over." "Great," said Dewey, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left. Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor's office looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than ever!" Dewey exclaimed. "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered Dewey wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's really hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked. For the past several weeks I've met several great women. All of them funny and charming, everything a man could ask for." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back" The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge." The 3rd patient arrives, he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked. Again he asks,"What the heck happened to you?" "Well, I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor..."

At a psychiatrist's office: - Do you consume alcohol? - No. - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you use drugs? - No. - Do you play cards? - No. - Do you run after other women? - No. - So why did you come to me? - You see, doc, I have one little problem... I lie a lot.

The patient runs into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam!" The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Relax, you're just too tents!"

A small little lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The little lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great,Doc, what did you do?" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 6. Don't discuss your problems with him. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.

The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO" 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines. 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure". 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,". 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. 5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 6. Exam room has a tip jar. 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers. 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning," 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket. 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park," 18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day." 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. 21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy." 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you. 25. Recycled bandages. 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month. 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier. 30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?" The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever. Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus. Patient: Everyone in the office has it. Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection

A Man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on his back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!" "Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?" The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"

An Antartican was in the therapist office: Dr. Hieden: Why are you here? Antartican: I tried to commit suicide by taking 1,000 aspirins!!!! Dr. hieden: What happened? Antartican: Well after the first two I felt better!!!!

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day. After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills. The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water. The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him. The doctor replied, "You aren't getting enough water."

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

In the doctors office two patients are talking "You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake" "A sponge!" exclaims the other "And do you feel much pain" "No pain at all", says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"

A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office. Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible." Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."

A man entered his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana stuck in his right ear. "Doc," he asked, "What's wrong with me?" "Simple," replied the doctor, "You aren't eating right."

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" "That's not true!" she shouts. "He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A Judge sentences the same repeat offender to prison for life this time, because of a white collar crime that he was found guilty of by a jury. The man is greeted by the same Corrections Officer that he first met twenty years ago. Guard: "Well, look who's back again! You just can't stay out of trouble, now can you?" Inmate: "You need to be more appreciative and thankful for my return." Guard: "Really now! And why is that?" Inmate: "Because without people like me in this world, you'd be out of a job!"

A deputy arrested a young man. The young man was verbally complaining to the officer about the injustice of him being arrested. He proclaimed his innocence over and over. The verbal barrage went on for about fifteen minutes as the deputy drove the young man to jail. Finally the young man asked the officer in a loud voice, "So tell me then, what do you do when you catch a real criminal?" The deputy shook his head sadly and responded, "I don't know. All I've ever caught are innocent people."