Jokes

It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I’d deal with it. When we got home, the kids rushed right into the house with the news. "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!" Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?" "I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck with dad."

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

My father was a gambler when I was growing up, so I thought I would confide in him this nightmare I kept having. "Dad," I began, "I keep having these dreams about a supernatural evil entity that takes horse racing bets from gamblers. He seems so real to me." "Don't worry, son," my dad assured me. "There's no such thing as the bookey-man."

With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water. After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV." "But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one that has no roast beef.”

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

(Son) Dad since I'm getting married next week do you have any advice? (Dad) Well son, I've always been the man of the house. Do you know what I mean? (Son) I think so, I did notice that you do the dishes when ever you want! (Dad) Exactly! (Son) Anything else Dad? (Dad) Yes, do them right after dinner.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?" "Yes, darling." "Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother. "Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing." "Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully, "that's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What's your mother's name?" The boy replied, "Mom." The nurse said, "Well, what does your dad call her?" The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad." As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?" The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said, "Idiot."

"Daddy, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?" "No, I didn’t know that." "There you go."

Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?" Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother." The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first." Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad. "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom. His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other. Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?" The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!" Pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"

(Dad) I just got an invitation to my thirty year High School class reunion. I don’t think I’m going to attend. (Son) Dad isn’t it true that each year the graduating class is larger than the year before. (Dad) Yes, that’s generally how it works. By the time you graduate son the graduation class should be double of what it was last year. (Son) My point exactly, based on that I really think you should attend. (Dad) What point? (Son) I just did the math in my head and it just wouldn’t be fair to the other two graduates if you missed it.

Little boy to a departing relative... "There's no hurry, Auntie. Daddy put the clock a whole hour ahead."

Son: "Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'?" Father: "It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit."

A father asked his daughter, "What do you see in that boy? That kid has his head screwed on backwards!" "No he doesn’t dad, that’s how kids wear ball caps these days."

Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last people who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well: last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate down. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

I was getting ready to go to choir practice when I heard my dad say, "Don't forget a bucket." Confused, I replied, "A bucket? Why?" “You’ll need something to help you carry a tune."

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight," she said, happy that Sunday school education was having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom, how do you spell zilla?"

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

Dear Mom & Dad: We're having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Billy P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter. Dad: "This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone." Mom: "Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone." Son: "I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone." All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time. Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"

A son of two parents found out a way to get money from almost anyone. He first went up to his mom said, "I know your secret." She said, "Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone." He then went up to his dad and said, "I know your secret." He said, "Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone." He saw the mailman and ran up to him and said, "I know your secret." The mailman said, "Here is 20 bucks, now get in the truck, son."