Jokes

“Please don’t make me daddy. I don’t like it!” My son whined, trying to wriggle free, “It smells of pee and tastes disgusting.” “That’s a horrible thing to say!” I scolded, “Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss.”

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" ‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent, "An Angel brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the angel brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she’d direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle. The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by. The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by." The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too." There was a long pause, then Anant said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both, son, God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both, son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?" "Yes, son, he loves all children." The child returns a few minutes later and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''

"Mommy, tomorrow I have an oral exam, and one question the teacher will ask me is 'who made you?' What should I say?" asked John. "God made you, dear," replied his mother. The next day, when the question came up, poor John forgot what his mother had said. So, he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my Daddy who made me, but then Mommy said it was someone else... and I can't remember the guy's name."

After church service, a little boy tells his pastor that he is going to give him a lot of money when he grows up. "Well, thank you," the pastor replies. "But why?" The little boy says, "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

My daughter came running in and said, “Daddy, I’ve just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden.” Humouring her I said, “Really, what were they doing?” She said, “Sucking each other’s cocks.”

“Daddy whats a Transvestite” “Ask mommy, he knows.”

When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I can remember the first thing I said to him. “Have you got that five grand I lent you?”

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Knock knock, Who’s there? Grandad . . Shit, stop the funeral!

My demented grandad used to sit in his room and stare at himself in the mirror all day. I thought that seeing a bit of the real world might help him so I replaced the mirror with a window. Now he just thinks he’s a vampire.

My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in ‘with a stick’ - he just died first.

My grandad is up with all the new trends, he’s been doing the mannequin challenge for three weeks straight now.

I’ve been waiting 5 hours for my granddad to put on his hulk outfit for a fantasy themed fancy dress party, I’ve finally walked into his room to see what the hold up was, and he’s lying on his bed, blue in the face, I think he’s going as an avatar.

My mum asked me to buy some flowers for my Grandad who recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Apparently buying a bunch Forget Me Not was insensitive.

Guy: Who's your daddy? Girl: He's a cop that arrests perverts like you Guy: ....

Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

Teacher: Were is your homework? Me: didn't do it. Teacher: You're so unreliable! Me: At least it's more reliable than your dads condom.

Yo' Mama is so poor, she bit off your daddy's toe 'cause she saw a corn on it.

The better part of you must have rolled down your daddy's leg.

Yo' Mama is so ugly, Yo' Daddy first met her at the pound.

Hater: Your gay Me: I'm straighter than the pole that you and your two dads dance on. Hater: *Silence

Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she was born, her mama called her a treasure, so her daddy offered to bury her.