Jokes

Q: Where do bees go to the toilet? A: The BP station.

How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”. So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar. The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before - Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?” And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”

My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.

Q. How do you make a cat flap? A. Throw it off a cliff.

What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."

Me: Max I am sick of you shitting all over the lawn My Dog Max: Well I don’t complain when you take shits in my water bowl.

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7? The wrong answer.

Why don't whales eat sushi very often? Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal? A: The lynx.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum how. (How many dead chickens have you seen along the road?)

Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: An embarassed zebra!

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in and asked for a fork.The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."

Two birds were sitting on a tree and one looked at the other and said, ‘Dam today really FLEW by’.

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas. And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

When I was a child I wanted to be a web designer. I’ve always had a fascination with spiders.

I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!

What is the longest organ in a sheep's body? A New Zealander's c**k!

Yo mama's like a bowling ball shes picked up fingered and then thrown in a gutter

Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"

Come on, we're endangered. We HAVE to do it!

Q:Where do you find a dog with no legs? A:Right where you left him.

A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water -except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!” “Thanks.” Smiles the fella, “but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.” “No worries,” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, “Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”

Show business is a dog eat dog world. Make sure your dog isn't anorexic.

What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare.

They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

How do you make an elephant float? You put two scoops of elephant in a cup and add soda.

A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach. Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff." So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away. Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away. Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "Shit"