Jokes

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see!

Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria. Student: Here it is Mam! Teacher: Where? It Is Blank. Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!

A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil." Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any pencils. We don't have any pencils." Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"

Peter: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? Ted: What? Peter: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”

Why did the teacher jump into the lake? Because she wanted to test the waters!

A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school." The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!" The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," said the mother. "I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

Teacher: Can you tell me where Napoleon came from? Pupil: Course I can. Teacher: Very good.

Teacher: "I will call your parents!" Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!" Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…" High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

Teacher: Ramu, give me a sentence starting with " I ". Ramu: I is... Teacher: No, Ramu. Always say, "I am." Ramu: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school." Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too." Mother: "Yes, you do." Victor: "Give me one good reason." Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

Student: “Wow, I really got into trouble at school today. My teacher had a hissy fit because I couldn’t spell ‘Armageddon.’ ” … …. I said to the teacher, “Hey cool your jets. It`s not the end of the world !!!”

Why don’t some teachers like to break wind in public? Because they’re private tooters.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?” Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.” The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

There was this teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots… … … He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” … … She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. … … He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” … … She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. … … He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them today.” … … She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Teacher: "What is the future tense of the statement: 'I had killed a thief'?" Student: "You will go to jail."

Twin brother were in a same class. Teacher ask them to write their father’s name. They wrote different name. Teacher was shocked and ask them why did they wrote the different names. They reply, ” Now you wont say that we cheated”.

Teacher: “Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?” Johnny: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Bark, Johnny, bark.” Johnny: “Bow, wow, wow!”

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

One day, a teacher walks into her classroom to start the lesson. She walks up to the board and sees in little writing the word "penis". She thinks nothing of it and wipes it off. The next day, she comes in and sees the word "penis", only this time it"s a little bit bigger. She wipes it off again. Sure enough, the next day she comes in and sees "penis" on the board a little bigger. This proceeds until the end of the year when finally, it"s across the whole board. The teacher wonders what"s gonna happen the next day since it"s taking up all the space on the board. When she came in the next day but doesent find "penis". This time she finds written, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".

Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?” Boy: “Seven!” Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?” Boy: “Seven!” Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?” Boy: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?” Boy: “Seven!” Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?” Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”

A mother picked her son up from school and began to ask him about his day. “How do you like your new teacher,” she asked. “I don’t. She told me to sit in the front of the class for the present. But then she didn’t end up by giving me one!”

Jimmy: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Jimmy: good, because i didn't do my homework.

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to school." "But why? I don't want to go to school." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Oh, that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school." "Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?" "One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!"

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t". Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.