Jokes

The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness. "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander. "I certainly did." "And?" "And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night. It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate." They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!" She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. “You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The old gal raised her right hand. “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?” The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but. . .will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

My boss called me into his office today. He said, “I still think you’re not too bright at all, Yuri. But you have come early to work for the past 2 years. You deserve a reward.” “Gee, thanks boss!” I said. “What’s my reward then?” “How does a brand new car sound?” he asked, smiling. “Vrooom, vrooooom.”, I said

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years” The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, “Yes 100%… a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.” The interviewer tells the guy, “O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.” The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?” “This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls… what will you do.

The boss called me into the office today and said “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’re smart enough for this job.” “That’s bullshit!” I yelled. “If you sack me, I’ll tell everyone you have a small willy.” “Yeah, that’s going to work!” she replied.

A secretary goes into her boss’ office and asks, “May I use your Dictaphone?” He replies, “No. Use your finger like everyone else.”

A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver Officer: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law." Driver: "Tits"

Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario. As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?" The other one replied: "I don't know." So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed." The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"

Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head. One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."

I can’t believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was. He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it. Like that’s going to make it lighter.

I was pulled over by the police today. “How fast do you think you were going, sir?” “60mph?” I asked. “Try 135,” the officer replied. So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?" "I have to throw this away," replied the tourist. "You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want." The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers. "Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist. "No. This is the American Embassy."

Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions. Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you. Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you up Must be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day. Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you around Must have an eye for detail-We have no quality control

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

A Police Officer pulls a car over to the curb, … Police Officer: “Can you identify yourself, Sir”? … … Driver: (pulls out a small mirror and says) : “Yes, it’s me.” … … Police Officer” (takes the mirror and says:) “Oh, sorry, sir, I didn’t know you were a policeman.”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions. ” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation? ” The woman replies, “I’m a whore. ” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that. ” The woman, “OK, I’m a prostitute. “. “No, that is still too crude. Try again. ” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer. ” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute? “. “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. “

One fine spring day, Ollie decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ollie that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone. … … “Oh, no”, Ollie protested. “I vas only doing tirty Officer.” …. …. “No, you were doing fifty”, replied the cop. “Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty”, Ollie replied stubbornly. “Well”, bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!” At that point, Lena, sitting in the passenger seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. “Officer…you really shouldn’t argue vit Ollie ven he’s been drinking.”

The following took place in a primary school. Teacher: Ok class put your hand up if you know anything about police officers??? *Students raise their their hands* Teacher: You only have to put one hand up Tyrone.

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said. The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?” …. “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

I just threw a dead Duracell out the window and it hit a police officers windshield. Ironically, He charged me with Battery.

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

“Now class, put your hands up if you know anything about police officers.” “You only have to put one hand up, Leroy.”

A cop pulls a guy over: Sir, why were you speeeding? Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.

A Mexican is being interviewed by the cops for doing drugs and the the cop says "how high are you" and the Mexican replies "no no officer its hi how are you"

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks. "A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied. "Can you describe what they looked like?" "I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."