Jokes

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window. The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared." Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug." His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge d**k!"

Daddy to his son: I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.

I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Three guys die and go to Hell. Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k. Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope. Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."

My son -- not really born for a romantic or on purpose kind of reasons, just ran out of condoms. Cute story. Can't wait til that comes up when he's older, you know. 'Daddy, tell me about when I was born.' 'Well, son, it all started when Walgreens wouldn't take a check.'

daddy, can I get in the shower with you? sure but don't look down. daddy what's that? my Ferrari? mommy, can I get in the shower with you? sure but don't look down. mommy what's that? my garage? mommy, daddy, can I get in bed with you? sure but don't look under the covers. daddy, why is your Ferrari in mommy's garage? ....

My four year old son walked in on me in the shower this morning. "Daddy what's that hairy thing between your legs" "Well son, that's the back of your mothers head"

"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?" Parenting books didn't prepare me for that and I am NOT Googling butterfly dicks.

Me and my father went to a fetish party last week. It was awesome. This woman was hitting me with a paddle, and she was like, 'Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?' I was like, 'That guy right over there!'

I found out that my girlfriend is adopted. I found out in a weird way. Last night, we're in bed, and I'm like, 'Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?' And she goes, 'I don't know.' I'm like, 'What?' She's like, 'Yeah, there's an agency looking for him, and they don't have any clues.'

Barely legal girl sucking off her daddy with love cream on her face and all over her … Oh sorry I thought this was Google.

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first s*xual encounter." His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planniing to do it again?" "I don't know daddy ever since it happened my ass has been hurting like crazy."

Boy: Hey Mommy, how come you and Daddy always wrestle with each other with your clothes off? Mom: Uh..well you see son. It's a tradition. Boy: Oh. Well that's a funny coincidence. The lady next door has the exact same one.

Q. Why do gays make the best dads? A. Because they know where all the parks are.

Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" Mum replies, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Conner: hey Pimpdaddybear! Pimp: yes? *the man pulls down his pants* Conner: look at my sniper! Pimp: PFF thats a BB gun, mine is a 50-Cal

Teacher: why is there a cat in here? Kid: Beacuse I heard my daddy say to my mummy I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids are at school, so I'm saving him. Teacher: ...

Brother was screwing his sister. Sister-your prick is longer than dads. Brother-yah, even mom says so.....!!!!!

"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?" "Well...no. What makes you say that..?" "Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he screwed the ass off of a nurse..!"

Boy sees his mother in the shower and asks, "what's that red gash between your legs?" She answered "that where your daddy's chopper hit me" the boy said "oh what a shot, right in the cunt."

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway, when he saw (unknown to him), his Father's Battery powered Dildo, laying on the bed! Daddy, Daddy, what's that little Little Johnny said? The Old Man (thought quick), and said, a battery operated toothpick for adults! Little Johnny asked why is it so long? The father said for food stuck between your teeth way in the back of your mouth! Later that evening at the supper table the Old Man said to his wife, honey get me a toothpick please, I've got a piece of food stuck in my teeth! Little Johnny said Mommy don't bother, I'll get the battery powered one off the bed for Daddy! Mommy said don't bother Johnny, I've already used it!

One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing. She ask her mom "Mommy why are those two girls kissing?" The mother then Replied "Oh their just making a cake. The little girls says "Oh Okay". The very next day the little girl is watching tV and she see two black guys kissing. She asked her mother "Mommy why are those two guys kissing?" The mother Replied again "Oh their just making a cake" The little girl says again "Oh Okay". The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face and her mother ask "Why such a smile?" The little girl replies "I seen you and daddy make a cake last night" The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says "Oh really how's that?" The little girl Replied "I lick the frosting off the couch" Kick ass for gross awesome funny Ignore if didn't get the joke

Yo daddy so gay when I called him a fag he come running after me with a purple purse

My girlfriend was acting very immature so i said "look, if you wana act like a child il treat you like one". Next thing i knew she was in a school uniform sitting on my lap calling me daddy, this went on for a good 20 mins or so until i remembered "shit its 8:30!, your gonna be late for school".

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."

A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? What were you told?" The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard, and then, he puts it in Mommy's mouth... ." Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."

i still remember your dads last words"HARDER".