Jokes

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?" "You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!" The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?" And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"

A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good!

It was the first day of school. Harry's mother went into his bedroom and said, "Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today." "But I don't want to go to school," replied Harry, "I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school"? "Because," answered his mother, "you're a teacher!"

Teacher: "I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense." Student: "In future tense, You will go to jail."

Phil: What makes a Cyclops such an effective teacher? Cheryl: I don’t know. Phil: He has only one pupil.

The art teacher instructed her students to do a self portrait. When Andrew handed his picture in, the teacher took one look at it and said, "But, Andrew,this isn’t you." "That’s right," replied Andrew. "It’s a self portrait of someone else."

Teacher: Where are the Great Plains located? Tommy: At the great airports!

One day in class, the teacher says: "Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?" "Simple Lost tense!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

Teacher: Why can’t you work in an orange juice factory? Student: I don’t know. Why? Teacher: Because you can’t concentrate!

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their ‘john thomases’ to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 4th.’ ‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, ‘I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.’

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks. The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on? "I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

Student Report Cards ….. ….. Here are a dozen real comments made by teachers on their student report cards. … All twelve are screamers!

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Teacher: Ramu, how do you spell "crocodile"? Ramu: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" Teacher: No, that's wrong Ramu: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention." Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Teacher: Daniel, I’ve had to send you to the principal every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself? Daniel: I’m glad it’s Friday!

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: " Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."

I’m a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, ‘Na’. Lucky bastard.

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I.” … … Student: I is the…. … …. Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”. Now re-phrase your sentence. …. …. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: “Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?” Boy: “None.” Teacher: “None? You don’t know your arithmetic!” Boy: “Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

Teacher: Ramu, why do you always get so dirty? Ramu: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

“How many people on The Titanic died?” asked my teacher. “All of them,” I said. “It happened over a hundred years ago.”