Jokes

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Dad: you better pass your exam or else forget me as your father! son: ..... son: sure, whatever dad. FIVE HOURS LATER Dad: so how was your exam? Son: who the hell are you?! KICKASS IF YOU GET IT BY MARY Z JING SO MY FRIENDS WILL KNOW

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?

"Mommy! Do Angels fly?" "Yes, they do my love!" "Then, when will our nanny fly? Dad calls her 'My Angel' all the time!" "Tomorrow, my child, she'll fly as far as she goes..."

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

Yo momma is so stupid when your dad sad it was chilly outside, she ran out the door with a spoon!

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day. His teacher demands, “Where were you yesterday?” “I’m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt,” replies Johnny. “Oh, I’m sorry, I hope it wasn’t serious.” says the teacher. To which Johnny replies, “Well, they don’t fcuk about at the crematorium, Miss.”

The Farmer’s Kids A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, “Son, come with me.” He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.” The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.” A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse … “as soon as that tractor is paid for…” A few days later, son number three, (6 years old) his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ‘ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster shagging one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!” The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that freakin’ tractor is paid for.”

My daughter’s hamster died, so I replaced it whilst she was at school. As soon as she walked in her room she noticed and said, “What the hell are you doing in the hamster’s cage dad?”

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son: "Dad, what is Windows 95?" "Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

Little Johnny came home after school: "Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language." "Why?" asked his father. "Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?" "How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father. "That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

Son: Look dad, I found a cat in the street. Dad: Well thats the only pussy your ever gonna get. Son :'-(

Son, “Dad I’ve got a part in the school play. I play a man who’s been married 25 years” Dad “Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part Son”

A little boy pulled down his pants and asked his dad, "Is this my Vagina?" Yes A little girl pulled down his pants and asked her mom, " Is this my Penis" Yes Next Day, They Were Learning About Private Parts. Boy said a boy has a Vagina Girl said a girl has a Penis Teacher said "no" Boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. They pulled down their pants and Figured out.

If this gets 1000 kickass votes I will put a blow up doll on my dad's bed.

Wife- I saw in my dreams, you were buying me a diamond ring Husband- I saw your dad paying the bill

A little boy was in the bath with his mom. The boy said, "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," said the boy, "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it."

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child? A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Just poked some holes in my dad's condoms. I need some help with these dishes man.

Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.

Dad: A bird told me that you were doing drugs Son: Obviously you're the one doing drugs if you think a bird told you that...

Dad: son i want u 2 marry a girl of my choice. Son: NO! Dad: the girl is bill gates daughter Son: then OK Dad goes to bill gates Dad: i want your daughter 2 marry my son Bill gates: No Dad:My son is the CEO of the world bank Bill gates: then OK Dad goes to the president of the world bank Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of the world bank President: No Dad: he is the son-in-law of Bill gates President: then OK THIS IS BUSINESS

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"

Teacher: You boy, what’s your name? Boy: Mickey Jones. Teacher: We’ll call you Jones here. We don’t use first names. Boy: My dad won’t like that - he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name.

son: Iphone! * holding it* daughter: Ipod! *holding it* mom: Ipad! *holding it* dad: IPAID!

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Ohhh yeah I do! Son: How did it taste? Dad: Get out.

Sometimes I ask myself if I’d rather be black or blind, then I realise it doesn’t matter. Either way, I wouldn’t see my dad again.

Martin Scorsese’s film “The Wolf of Wall Street” broke a record by using the word “Fcuk” or “Fcuking” 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.