Jokes

The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin. The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’ A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’

I got stopped drink driving last night. By a tree.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

Ralph comes home drunk, crawls in bed with his wife, passes out. He wakes up in front of St. Peter. “Where am I?” yells Ralph. “Why you’re in heaven my son.” “I can’t be, too much yet to do in life,” replies Ralph. “Well, you are here,” says St. Peter. “I’ve got to go back, can you send me back?” says Ralph. St. Peter tells Ralph that he could send him back as a chicken. Ralph asks if he could be placed on a farm near his home. All the sudden Ralph the hen is clucking, pecking in the barnyard. Rooster walks up and says, “You must be the new hen; how do you like it here?” Ralph says “everything’s ok, except I feel bloated, like I’m about to explode.” Rooster says, “you’re ovulating, going to lay an egg, You never laid an Egg?” Ralph says, “no, never laid an egg.” Rooster says, “take it natural, go with the flow, you’ll be fine.” So Ralph the hen lays an egg, felt absolutely wonderful, lays another, felt even better. Right in the middle of laying his third egg; Ralph the hen feels a rap on the back of his head. Hears his wife yelling, “Ralph wake up, You just crapped the bed!”

A bar in London has been named the world’s best bar for the third year in a row. And if you want to know what it’s like being at the world’s best bar, just keep drinking in the bar you’re at.

Took a trip to Loch Ness earlier. “When does the monster appear” i asked the guide. “After the 8th pint mate” he replied.

Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”. Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man. He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (Ever notice that the women Are All 10’s at “Last Call?”)

Mr. John Smith was travelling home after the annual Christmas office party. … … He had had far more than the legal limit to drink and was pulled off at the road block for an alcohol test.. … … He was asked to get out his car. The police delayed quite a bit in attending to him (There were plenty of drunken drivers on the road that night), so he decided to go home. … … The next morning at 6.00AM there was a knock on his door, and it was the traffic police officers who asked, “Why did you leave the roadblock last evening ?” … … … Mr Smith denied this, saying that he was home the whole evening. He was then instructed to open his garage door. When this was done, the police officer asked him, “Mr Smith, if you were home all evening, can you please explain what this police car is doing in your garage ?”

If you ever feel that your wife is beautiful, has a great figure, is intelligent, gets things done on her own, drives a car well, has very little expectations, is not materialistic and loves you with crazy devotion. please understand that the liquor you have consumed is of the best quality.

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

Man goes to the doctors and sayes "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !" Doctor replies "Do you drink much ?" Man says "no, I spill most of it !"

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have. The first one says he'll have H2O. The second one said he'll have H2O too. The second one died.

Look at the size of your liver compared to your heart. You are designed to drink more and care less.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

The good: waking up to find you’re home safe after a wild night out. The bad: looking in the mirror to find a cock drawn on your face. The ugly: finding out it was traced.

I walked into a room full of ladies and they couldn’t stop starring at me. That’s what happens when you’re pissed and go to the wrong toilet.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman!"

A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!  They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book. He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a penis" ,she replies "I only ever touched one with my index finger." He says "Well give one hell mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates." He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a penis." She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."  He says "well give three hell marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate." Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way. ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?" The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her arse in the holly water."

What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.

It’s a perfect afternoon for marinated ice cubes! You can make your marinade from a wide choice of ingredients including: Scotch or Irish whiskey Canadian whisky Bourbon (To be labeled as bourbon whiskey it must be distilled and aged in the USA from USA grain) Vodka (Preferably something middle shelf or top shelf unless you are on a college kid’s budget) Rum Tequila Jagermeister Gin Vermouth Bitters Coke Orange juice Water or seltzer water 7-Up or lemon-lime carbonated drink Sliced lemons and limes Bottoms up!

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."