Jokes

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.

A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service. “There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.” He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

The post office advertises stamps on television -- stamps! We have commercials that actually go, 'Buy U.S. postage stamps.' Alright, now maybe it's just me, but my whole life, all I ever bought was U.S. postage stamps because when you try taping 37 pennies to the envelope, it never gets there.

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."

It’s the 2012 Olympics. The final of the Hammer Throw event is shaping up for an exciting finish. It’s all come down to a Russian military officer, an American farmer and an unemployed English Bum. The Russian throws first: 85 metres, just short of the world record. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was in the military, my father was in the military and I am in the military. This gives me strength and discipline.” Then the American throws: 88 metres, breaking the world record. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer and I am a farmer. This gives me strength and discipline.” The English Bum saunters up to the nets, gobs at the TV cameras and slings the hammer 95 metres, breaking the world record and winning gold for Great Britain. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed and both said to me, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far as you fcuking can’.”

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q:What not to say to the nice policeman? A:I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. “Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.” “Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in. “Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was. “Light brown, like everyone else,” I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be!

I told my office junior that I’d promote her if she gave me a blow job. She did, so I wrote: “Samantha gives great head” on the gent’s wall.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.” He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!” So I went away and prepared a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

‘A Recruit Goes AWOL’ As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?” …. …. The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!”

One day a police officer was driving her squad through the cemetery as police officers do on the midnight shift. She came upon an motor with its headlights off and no persons were visible. The officer exited her vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two youthful occupants jump up and began to button their clothing. The officer stated, “Didn’t you see the sign on the front gate - closed after 6:00 P.M.?” The youth responded, “No ma’am, officer. We came in the back gate where it says get lots while you’re young!!

My boss called me into his office today and said, “I’ve noticed you nodding off during team meetings recently. Are you getting enough sleep?” “Not really, the meetings are a lot shorter these days.”

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies. The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks. The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?'' ''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?''' ''What did he say?'' Bush asked. ''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House. ''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone. ''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?'' ''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile. ''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!'' ''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?'' ''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle. ''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

The Republicans are smart: Reagan, he forgets everything; Bush, he can't remember. So you know Quayle's going to end up in office because he doesn't know anything to forget or remember.

In the news: “The Met Office has issued a weather warning following a night of torrential rain and gale force winds” Call me pedantic, but I would have preferred the warning in advance…

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? Job opening!

George W. Bush is the President Dick Cheney is Vice President Colin Powell is the Secretary of Defense We have a bush, dick and a colon in office so we're bound to get screwed somewhere along the line.

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"

A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license. "Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"

My boss phoned me today. He said, “Is everything okay at the office?” I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped.” “Can you do me a favour?” he asked. I said, “Of course, what is it?” He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m behind you on the 7th hole.”

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?” “Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?” “Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.” “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”