Jokes

Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!

☆ One Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. … …. ☆ ☆ Two Star Hangover: No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of an office stapler. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. ☆ ☆ ☆ Three Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your friends after the bouncer threw you out of the pub at 2:00 A.M…. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a fruit salad watching an old black and white Hollywood movie. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, 2 liters of water, 3 Tropicana’s and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven’t peed once. ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Four Star Hangover: Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes have sunken as if u have not slept for days. ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Five Star Hangover: AKA “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell”. You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house. ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Six Star Hangover: Otherwise known as the “Infinite Nut smacker”. You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights… some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Hard Rock” faintly atop your forehead… the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.

Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.

My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle.

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass but real good.” She goes home to her husband and says, “A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and walks back into the house. She yells, “Where are you going?” He says, “I ain’t fcuking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”

A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver. ‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop. ‘Why?’ says the driver. ‘Is there a fat chick in my car?’

I made some mistakes trying to craft my craft beer. I thought I had a good one, so I served a cold bottle to my g/f. She took a pull, made a face, and said, Oh Jeeeesh! What is this? It tastes like liquefied earwax mixed with club soda!

It was one of those familiar nights: seeing double, wondering how I kept the car on the road and then blacking out and falling on the stairs… When I came to, I steadied myself, walked up the stairs, and swore to myself, “never again.” Then I walked by the bathroom at the top of the stairs, and the toilet looked at me, and I looked at the toilet, and I said, “I got away with it.” And the toilet said, “No you didn’t. Get over here and pray to me, you asshole.”

I drink to forget that I accidentally once said "I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

I was drinking at a bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic - he got up on one knee.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.

Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into beer.

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.” The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!” Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man…”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!” The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

It’s people that give drinking a bad name.

He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."