Jokes

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Dad, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong honey?” “Daddy, where’s my bogey?”

Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: Papa Boner

A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party. The clown whose drunk gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize” “Is it a sweet mister?”- “No it isn’t a sweet” “Is it a toy mister?” - “No it’s not a toy either” “Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money” What is it then? “IT’S MY COCK!” shouts the clown- At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hell are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old” Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again” Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids” Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize” “Is it a sweet mister?”- “No it’s not a sweet” “Is it a toy mister?” - “No it isn’t a toy” “Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money” “What is it then?”…………. Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”

Me: Why do you want to ride a bike? Friend: Because I want to. Other Friend: You're just jealous because you can't ride a bike. Class: OOOHHH!!! Me: Well, the only thing that you can ride is your dad's dick! Class: OOOHHH!!!

I remember when I used to get on the bus with my dad, and he would tell me to say I was under 5 so he wouldn’t have to pay my fare. In the end I decided to start walking to work.

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Teacher: Joey, why did you bring your pussycat to school? Joey: Well, I heard my dad say to my mom last night that he was going to eat that pussy when I went to school, and I didn't want poor Bubbles to get eaten! Teacher: ...

Little Johnny boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver. He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.” After listening to Little Johnny rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed. He turns around and says to Little Johnny: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?” In an instant, Little Johnny responds: “I’d be a bus driver.” The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!

For the whole 5 years I’ve been with my girlfriend, I’ve been begging her to try anal. Until one day recently she gave in and said “Right! We can either do anal and spend the rainy day fund on those curtains I want, or, we don’t do anal and we buy the 3D TV you want. Which is it to be?” At this point I remembered something my Dad told me once. He said “Son, if you just can’t decide, listen to your heart” Taking his advice, I found my stethoscope and held it to my chest. My heart’s answer was a resounding BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.

Bully-Dude those pants look like my sisters and that hat looks like my moms Kid-Oh I must have put on the wrong stuff after banging them in a threesome Bully-But my dad was off of work so he was home Kid-They were screaming so loud he just thought they were fighting Kid-oh there's your sister now Sister-Last night was fun we should do it again Bully-...

"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."

Jerk: Nobody likes you! Me: If I was your dad, I would have worn two condoms when f*cking your mum just to make sure that accidents like you don't happen!

police do you know how fast you where going? dad I would had gone faster but you pulled me over

A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"

My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.

Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger: Dad: I spy something gray. Little sister: Your hair! Dad: I spy something adopted!

A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says, "For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says, "For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife kill a cockroach. The son says, "Dad you want to tell her or should I?"

After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads: Dear Father, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back. Dear David, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!” “Chris, close the god damn door if you’re taking a shit.”

What did the dad say when his son said, "Dad I'm tired of walking in circles?" "Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."

“Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son. “Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn’t.” “That’s because he’s spineless,” she replied. I really should say something but I don’t want to cause a fuss.

My dad died on 9-11. He was the best amateur bomber on Iraq's flight team.

A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle. OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it? KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying: "Hump on it before Derek wakes up!"

As I was driving home I hit a cat. When I got home my dad said " Why are you getting home so late?" I said back "I creamed some pussy."

Me: Dad can I have a dog? Dad: A cat!? What the hell you want a hamster for? A goldfish is more than enough. Here's a collar, put it on your sister

A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog. "Of course not," says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question. "No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?" The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."

A father is having dinner with his son and says, "Son tell me a lie," and the son says, "Dad."

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"