Jokes

Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?" Class: "At once!"

Antartian “J” goes for a job interview as a math’s teacher, at the place of interview he finds hundreds of other antartians applying for the same job. He goes in and he is asked:"what is 2+2”, antartian “J” thinks and finally says 5. The authorities tell him he has got the job, as his answer was the most accurate.

The teacher asked Willy, "If you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?" Willy immediately answered, "Seven!"

The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?" Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."

Student: What’s infinity? Math Teacher: Think of a number. Student: Okay, I’ve got one. Teacher: Good. That’s not it.

My math teacher never goes outside.. I can tell, cos there’s no sin of his tan..

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."

The teacher said to the children: "In a paddock, there were twelve sheep. Six of them got out by jumping over the fence. How many sheep left behind?" "None", little Jim say. "None?" says the teacher surprised. "Jim, you’re clueless in math." "And you, misses, are clueless in sheep! As soon as the first sheep jumps out, the other will follow as well!"

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

Teacher: "Are you good at math?" Pupil: "Yes and no." Teacher: "What do you mean?" Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

One day a math teacher and his brother were out golfing. The brother was to tee off first and just before he swung he yelled "4!!” The math teacher was up next and just before he swung he yelled, "Square root of 64 divided by two!!"

Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2? Student: Why? Teacher: Because its’ completely irrational.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

In Lahore city of pakistan where student's were addicted, professor was discussing the evils of drugs. Off he went into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, drugs can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!" "No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the drugged.

A science teacher walked by Taipei 101 and saw a man on top of the building ready to jump. He quickly shouted out "Don't do it!! You have so much potential!!"

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

A schoolteacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.  Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.  There are teachers... and then there are educators.

A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the universe?" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, "Now for your question..." and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" The boys replies, "Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!"

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

So I went to Suicide Bombing Class and the teacher said, "Okay now pay attention! I'm gonna do this once!"

Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me Mom: you have to go Liam: give me one reason why I should go Mom: your 35, and your the principal

A chemistry teacher set a question which was, mention three gases u know. Answer: tier gas, fabregas, Bogas

When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don't know what they have against dogs........

little jhonny said to the teacher miss i need to pee teacher: wait 1 minute jhonny: miss i need to pee teacher: sing your alphabet jhonny: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz teacher: very good jhonny but were's the p jhonny: running down my leg

Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn't do? Teacher: No Me: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

student: may i use the bathroom? Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet. Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: wheres the p? Student: running down my leg.

In the Chemistry class the teacher was describing how August Kekulé, the scientist accidentally discovered a formula to express Benzene. Kekulé once dozed off in his lab while trying to arrange the six carbon atoms in a particular format alongside six-hydrogen. The scientific community in the entire world had no answer either. Suddenly he had a dream and in his dream he saw two snakes eating each other and suddenly he woke up and tried to write out the formula that way and that was how we got the Benzene ring as we know it today, she said. The teacher however felt bad finding a girl in the front bench dozing off all this while and pulled her up. A boy from the rear said: Madam, please spare her; who knows she might come up with another formula for Benzene!