Jokes

A five-year-old kid goes up to his mum and asks, “Mummy, how do you spell clitoris ? “To which his mum replies, “ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue last night

Little Girl: Mom what's this *she pulled down her pants* Mom: That's your garage, don't let boys put their car into your garage She nods and hops off Next door Little Boy: Dad whats this? *he pulls down his pants* Dad: That's your car, you need to put that into a girls garage He nods and hops off Little girl walks in with her hands covered with blood Mom: WHAT HAPPENED!? Little Girl: The little boy from next door tried to put his car into my garage so I pulled its wheels off

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

My mate said, “I like your car.” I said, “It’s not very practical now we’ve got a baby.” He said, “How about I buy it off you.” I said, “Yeah go on then. Three grand?” He said, “You’ve got yourself a deal.” I said, “Nice one… you’re going to make a brilliant dad.”

On the day of her marriage the bride was in tears and a little boy on watching this asked his father… *Dad, why the girl is crying ?* Dad : *Because, she is leaving her parents and going to a new place.* Son : *What about that boy ?* Dad : *He will start crying from tomorrow.*

"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor." "But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."

My old dad always said to me “before you marry a girl, find out what her mother is like.” The wedding is off. I asked my future mother in law if she swallows or takes it up the shitter and she threw me out the house. ==

My son came up to me and said, “Dad I want to get married and live happily ever after.” I said,”Well which one is it?”

A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"? Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question" ... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. "Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!" Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are living with a pair of slags..!

I keep making racist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it very annoying…..and so does my dad.

Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . Does any one know what that is? "Yes," says Tommy. "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' dad only takes her out on Halloween.

A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing ?" His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" Boy say, "Do her d*ggy style I want a puppy."

Yo mama is so stupid, she did her dad last night.

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school." "How much special?" "Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

I'd be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be breast fed…

I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today. Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”. “Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'” Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no ….L-E-C-K- no…. The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?” Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a bookie, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”  

There was a father who called his 5 small children together. As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle. He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them "who is the most obedient?" Five sets of eyes looked up at him. Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?" One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.' 'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'

Yo momma's so fat, your dad had to roll over twice before he could get off her.

A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother, ''Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?'' ''Sure,'' his mother said. ''Just tell me what they are.'' The little boy replied, ''P***y and bitch.'' His mother said, ''No problem. A pussy is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.'' The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working. ''Dad,'' he began, ''today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?'' ''Sure,'' his father replied. ''What are the words?'' ''P***y and bitch,'' the boy replied. His father said, ''I thought I told you anytime you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she can't handle it.'' With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Playboy magazine, and a magic marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. ''Son,'' he began, ''everything inside this circle is a p***y.'' ''Okay,'' his son said, ''but what is a bitch?'' His father said, ''Everything outside this circle.''

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town; "Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father. "How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"

Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!

T his woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!” one of the crowd responded. “Wait,” yelled Jesus, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. “Aw, c’mon, Dad…,” Jesus cried, “I’m trying to make a point here!”

I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

Y oung Bobby needed eyeglasses, but he refused to wear them. “But son,” urged his dad, “you’ll be able to see so much better.” “I can see just fine, Dad,” protested Bobby. “Why, I can see that dog coming up the street three blocks away, and I can tell he has only one eye.” “Bobby,” said his father in exasperation, “that dog isn’t going up the street, it’s going down the street.”

I've been living in New York City now for four years. To this day, every time a crime in New York makes news at home, my dad calls. He called me last week: 'This old woman was beaten and mugged. Are you OK?'