Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go the bathroom. He yelled out "Miss Jones I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now Johnny that is NOT the proper word to use in the situation. The correct word you want is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says " You're an eight but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"

“I’ve been looking through the dictionary and I’ve found a word spelt incorrectly” said Little Johnny. “Wow, that’s brilliant” his teacher replied, “how is the word spelt?” “I-n-c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y.”

Teacher: “You haven’t been naughty, Little Johnny. Why do you want to stand in the corner?” …. …. Little Johnny: “I’m trying to warm up - Mr Smith said corners are almost always 90 degrees.”

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, wrote the word “PERIOD” on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period” reported Johnny. “Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Dammmmnnn if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and Uncle Bob crap himself.”

A fourth-grade teacher is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he is doing. … … “Well Miss, the spider’s name is Herbert and watch this.” Johnny then bends down to the spider and whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. “Run, Herbert, Run” and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned. The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbert, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Little Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers “Run, Herbert, Run” but Herbert doesn’t move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After several attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider “Run, Herbert, Run” but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks “Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?” Little Johnny replies, “Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf”

Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand." Johnny: "My penis in your hand." Teacher: "What?" Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."

Little Johnny sat silently at the back of the class, along with his fellow students. His teacher began discussing vocabulary. She asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary raised her hand and said, 'I went to the beach yesterday, and the sea was fascinating'. The teacher replied, 'Good attempt, Mary, but I want "fascinate", not "fascinating"'. Harry waved his hand and stated, 'We visited Grandpa's farm yesterday and I was fascinated.' Ms Davids shook her head. 'The word is "fascinate", but good try.' Little Johnny waved his hand wildly at the teacher. "My aunt bought a new 10-button shirt the other day, but her boobs are too big and she can only fasten eight'. XD

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....." Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... .....but I like your thinking."

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The teacher shouts, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, “Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday!”

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r ” after the first letter. ” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy. ” A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r ” after the first letter. “That’s right! ” she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “was it …Mrs. Crunt? “

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs going at it in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, “Hey, everyone! look at that!” The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind. A little girl in the front row said, “Teacher, what was those two dogs doing? The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home. Little Johnny then said, “Teacher, ain’t that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?”

The teacher was asking the end of the day question that she asks every Friday. If the student got it right they would not have to go to school on Monday. Little Johnny Was determined to answer correctly. So he painted two black marbles black and rolled them to the teachers feet. All of a sudden she Shouted out, "Who's the commedian with the black balls?". Johnny shouted out, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday suckas!".

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

“Now,” says the teacher, “who can name me some flowers with multiple syllables?” “Daff-o-dil,” says Little Susie. “Very nice,” says the teacher, “very nice!” “Car-na-tion,” says Little Bobby. “Very nice,” says the teacher, “very nice!” “Dan-de-li-on,” says Little Betty. “Very nice,” says the teacher, “very nice!” “Fell-at-i-o,” says Little Johnny. “That’s not a flower,” says the teacher. “No,” says Johnny, “but it’s very nice.”..

Teacher: What’s the opposite of laughing? Little Johnny: Fcuking! Teacher: How’s that? Little Johnny: Laughing is ha..ha..ha & Fcuking is ah.. ah.. ah..

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go pee pee!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?" "The correct word would be urinate." "Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?" Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"

My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier." I said, "I don't know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder. Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game? Little Jack: Ok Little Johnny: penis Little Jack: Penis Little Johnny: PEnis Little Jack: PENis Little Johnny: PENIS! Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW! Little Johnny: Okay :( --2 Minutes Later-- Little Johnny Over the Intercom: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

One morning Lil Johnny walks into the classroom with no shirt on. Teacher looks at him and asks where he has been.Johnny replies Blueberrys Hill. The next day Johnny walks in with no pants on. Teacher looks at him and asks where have you been. Johnny replies Blueberrys Hill. The next day Johnny comes in completly naked. The teacher gasps and asks Johnny again where hes been. Johnny replies Blueberrys Hill. Johnny looks over his shoulder and sighs her she comes now.

Little Johnny is not very happy at his nursery school, so the teacher takes him to one side and gives him a nice little cuddle. After a while, Johnny says,”Do you have tits?” “Of course I do,” says the nursery school teacher. “Every woman has, er, breasts.” “Good,” says Little Johnny, “I like tits. Do you think you could bring them in with you tomorrow?

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

My son’s school teacher rang me today. He said, “Young David doesn’t seem to be concentrating in class, is something bothering him at home?” “Well his pet dog died last week,” I replied. “That’s all I can think of.” “Oh right, how did it die?” he asked. “It got ran over by a train,” I replied. “His mother was walking it at the time.”

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.” The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?” John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, “Switch the limits on the integral!”