Jokes

My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".

Fifty Children’s Books Now At Your Local Library 1-10 You are Different and That’s Bad Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’ Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book: A Children’s Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to hell How to Kick Ass At School 11-20 Some Kittens Can Fly Adoption: A Fresh Start Grandpa’s new Casket Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way Why You Were An Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21-30 Pop! Goes the Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid A Child’s Guide to Final Arrangements Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things Daddy Drinks Because You Cry The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool If It Feels Good, Touch It! 31-40 Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt) Bullies Have More Fun Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer 41-50 Why Does Mommy Almost Sneeze So Much in Her Bedroom? Who’s My Daddy? Small Objects and Electrical Outlets Different Daddies Each Day of the Week Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911 45 ACP Little Hands, Big Toasters How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You Why Don’t We Celebrate Father’s Day Like Other Kids? Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink

I just came from home and I got a bad grade on my test. Bully: Hahahaha, you fail! Me: So did your dad's condom Bully: ...

Bully: HAHA YOU FAILED!!! Me: Yeah, so did your Dad's condom. Bully: ...

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer. "Can I have one, Dad?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "No." "Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette. "Dad, can I smoke one, too?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "No." "Then you can't have one." On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous. "You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "Yes." "Then go f**k yourself."

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning math?” The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets. Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there." Bobby: "No probs, Dad." Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium. Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300. ” “Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking. ” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth. ” “That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! “

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! … …. I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me tie this tie?!” “Sure,” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie had been tied in a perfect Windsor knot, I just had to ask why I had to lie down. “Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down.” He replied. “What was your previous job?” I asked incredulously. “I worked in a funeral parlor, helping to get the bodies ready for viewing,” was the reply.

Little Johnny walks in on his Dad putting on a condom, in an attempt to hide his erection Johnnys Dad ducks beside the bed. Johnny asks his Dad what is he doing to which he replies “I thought I saw a rat” Johnny replies ” well what were you going to do when you found it, fcuk it?”

Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" "I don't have a..."

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour standing there. “My Dad ain’t home,” the young girl says, “but I know what you want and I am sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my Dad charges four hundred bucks for his best bull.” “That’s not I want,” growled the neighbour “We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My Dad charges three hundred bucks for him,” she replies. “That’s not I want either,” growls the neighbour. “Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My Dad charges only one hundred bucks for him.” she informs him. “That’s not what I want at all. I came here to see your Dad about your brother. Your brother made my daughter pregnant,” the neighbour hisses. “Oh. I guess you’ll have to see my Dad about that then, because I don’t know what he charges for him.”

Dad: Son, I think's it's time we talked about the birds and the bees Johnny: NOO! When I was 6 you told me the Easter Bunny is fake. When I was 8, you told me Santa is fake. If your telling me adults don't really f*ck, I don't wanna hear it

An old man walks onto a bus one day. All the seats are full, so he has to stand and balance himself on his cane. The bus hits a bump and the rubber tip of his cane breaks off and he falls. Little Johnny, seated nearby, says to him, "Sir, you have to pull the rubber over the tip more carefully!" The man replies, "If your dad had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this damn bus!"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

“Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!” After ripping them open excitedly, he said “Dad, all these boxes are empty…” “I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fcuk out!”

When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the wits. Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.

A son is in his room and the mom comes in and says do you need to shower and he said yeah I need to shower and the Mom says you can shower with me if you don't look up or down as soon as the get in the shower the son looks up and asks the Mom what are those and the Mom answer and says those are headlights then he looks down and asked what's that she says it's the tunnel the next day the dad asked the son do you need to shower the son said yes and the dad said you can shower with me as long as you don't look down as soon as they get in the shower the son looks down and says what's that and the dad says that's a train that night he has a nightmare and asked his head parents if he could sleep with them and the say as long as you don't look under the covers once he gets in the bed the son looks under the covers and says "MOM TURN ON THE HEADLIGHTS THE TRAINS GOING IN THE TUNNEL"

"Haha, you failed!" "Yeah, so did your dad's condom."

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, 'Oh, we got him on Prozac.' What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad's version of anti-depressants would be to, like, hold my head underwater 'til I got a little more excited about living.

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the politician asked. "My dad died," the boy replied. "That's terrible, when did it happen?" "Five years ago," the boy said. "Five years ago? And you are still this upset?" "It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

A boy is asking his dad some last questions before his dad died. The boy was asking questions his dad would never answer. Boy: Who did you love most? Dad: My parents, obviously. Boy: Why do you hate Mom? Dad: She assaulted me before you were born.. Boy: What was the biggest mistake of your life? Dad: Adopting you. *dies* Boy: ...

Mum: where should I keep my money everywhere I put it my kids steal it? Dad: keep it in books

Mother was out, and dad was in charge. The daughter was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet..?

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon

My girlfriends dad is so religious he wouldn’t let us sleep together which is a shame because he’s a really attractive man.

A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!" Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

Angry geek dad shouted to kid, "End of discussion; Semicolon;"