Jokes

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" In the background I heard my mom yell, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"

Mother and daughter are having a bonding moment. Daughter: Mommy can you differentiate the words terrible and horrible for me? Mother: Sure dear. Remember when we went to the beach last week? Daughter: Yes I remember. Mother: While swimming, your dad was caught by rip current. Daughter: Oh, that's terrible! Mother: That's right. Daughter: Mommy, what about horrible? Mother: The wave brought him back to shore.

Arriving home from work last night I saw that my son and daughter sat in silence. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong, daddy," my daughter replied. "We're playing a game." "What's the game?" I asked. "Marriage," my son sighed.

Little Jenny: Hi Mommy, where is Daddy? Mother: He's lying on the couch and has been watching baseball all day. Why do you ask? Little Jenny: I wanted to tell him what we learned in school today. Mother: Oh yeah sweetie, and what was that? Little Jenny: Well, the teacher taught us that the human body has 270 bones at birth and 206 by adulthood. Mother: Wow Jenny! I did not know that, but I'm afraid that your teacher is incorrect when it comes to your Father though. Little Jenny: Really Mommy, why is that? Mother: Because he has an extra one, for a total of 207. It's named the Lazy-bone.

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on business. I also missed his first steps. I was now afraid I would miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always "no" until one day my wife said, "Harry has something to say to you.... 'Daddy, daddy,'" I heard it over the phone and I glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible." "Why?" I asked. "He was speaking to the dog."

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years." Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me. He said, "My dad can whoop your dad!" I replied, "So what, so can my mom!"

A dad grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing his patience, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. "I have to ask you to move your car," the father exclaimed. "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?" "No," the dad replied, "it's at the wrong address."

One Sunday morning when my son was about five years old, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

Son to dad: "Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?" Dad: "My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?" Son: "One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator."

A father and his 9 year old son were at the nearby bowling alley. "Hey dad, why is that man wearing that weird looking hat while he's bowling?" his son blurted out. "Oh that's normal son" he answered. "That hat is called a bowler."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting, son. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!" "But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me his camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home, collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!"

A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

I was watching the game at my parents home and I asked for something to eat. My dad said, "Go ahead and eat some of the peanuts in the bowl beside the chair." I ended up eating them all and as I was leaving I said that I was sorry and would replace them. That's when dad said, "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?" I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong. "I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her. "Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mommy for me."

To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway. After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach. "I’ll get it, Daddy," Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier.

Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now" — at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling. On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater." From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup." My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."

Grade school children were asked the question, "Why did your mom marry your dad?" These are some responses: 1. She got too old to do anything else with him. 2. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 3. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and Mom eats a lot!

A long time ago, a father, visiting America for the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store. He constantly asked questions about products he saw, "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?" "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice." A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?" "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," four-year-old Rian replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."

A 10-year-old child was having a conversation with their grandmother while eating breakfast... Child: "Nanna, I'm a chubby old man." Grandmother: "What did you say?" Child: "I'm a chubby old man." Grandmother: "Now why would you say something like that?" Child: "Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy."

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think." "Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."