Jokes

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements. The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that," she said. "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house." LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar." LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge." LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations live in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound." LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I’m always up before her." LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me!" LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well - until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?" Man: "Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home." Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" Man: "It’s made of concrete." Lawyer: "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" Man: "No, we have a carport." Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?" Man: "All my relations are still in Poland." Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" Man: "We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." Lawyer: "Does your wife beat you up?" Man: "No, I always wake up before her." Lawyer: "Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?" Man: "She's going to kill me." Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Man: "I have proof." Lawyer: "What kind of proof?" Man: "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says ... 'Polish remover.' "

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" "No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"

Little Johnny asks his mum, "Mum, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time in a faraway land'?"  "No darling," says his mother, somewhat distressed, "Sometimes, they can begin with 'I've got too much work in the office tonight, I'll come home later'."

Boss: *Shouting* "Little Johnny come to my office right now..." Little Johnny: "Yes sir"! Boss : "Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?" Little Johnny: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right". Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?" Little Johnny: "He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir"! Boss: "That bustard. What did u say to him?" Little Johnny: "I told him he's right

Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder. Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game? Little Jack: Ok Little Johnny: penis Little Jack: Penis Little Johnny: PEnis Little Jack: PENis Little Johnny: PENIS! Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW! Little Johnny: Okay :( --2 Minutes Later-- Little Johnny Over the Intercom: PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-1. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.  Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.  The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."  The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:  -Turning of one screw: $1.00.  -Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say...

S mith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!" "I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there." The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!" "Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked. “Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again. “I found that the cat had eaten it!” “Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. “We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,”. “Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked. One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”! Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.” The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.” “Oh no!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?” The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.” Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” The officer replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

A bloke bought himself a new BMW and was happily driving it down the road when he thinks to himself, “I wonder how fast this thing will go.” So he sticks his foot down, pulls up to over a hundred miles an hour and, before he knows it, he sees the blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror. Without thinking things through, he keeps his foot firmly on the floor thinking, “I can outrun him.” After a few minutes, he comes to his senses and realises he isn’t getting away from this, so he pulls over in a rest stop. The policeman gets out and walks over to the car. The man winds his window down. The policeman says to him, “do you realise what the seriousness of what you just did is? “The man replies, “yes, officer, I do realise. I’m sorry.” The policeman turns to him and explains that today is his last day till he retires it’s also fifteen minutes before the end of his last shift and so he really doesn’t want to do more paperwork, so he says to the man, “if you can think of a good excuse that I have never heard before, I will think about letting you go.” The man sits and thinks for a minute and then says to the officer, “my wife left me this morning for a policeman. I was just afraid you were trying to give her back!” The policeman says, “have a nice day, sir.”

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although it was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous rather easily. The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to get caught, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sign of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

There were these three girls who were getting married  and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office  to discuss the options of having or not having  a baby right away. There were two city girls  and one farm girl.  The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands  and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor  asked the first girl what type of birth control  she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.   “That will work,”  said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.” He asked the second girl  what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills”  she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don ‘t forget to take them”. He then asked the farm girl  what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”   After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all tocome back in one year  on a specific date for a follow up  on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim . Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and,  well here I am, going to have a baby.”’ He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill .  But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see,  I too am going to have a baby.” He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.” She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up,  and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes,  and when his eyes get as big as saucers …. “I kick the bucket out from under him”.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Etc.: A sign to make others believe,you know more than you actually do. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.. Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gains her master’s. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage .. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power . Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the biggest piece Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present… Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls in a river … Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”. College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet” Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’ The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?” The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him……..”