Jokes

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

Wilfred had just learned his ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began. "A B C D E F G H I J L K M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z." His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? He replied, "It's running down my leg."

“I’m concerned that every time I see your son, he’s playing with himself.” his teacher said. “Come on, we all like a wank.” I said. “I mean all the other kids hate him.”

Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.

What do you call a gay asian? Chu Mai Wang What is the point of jewish football? To get the quarterback. What do you call an asian guy wearing ancient armor? A chink in the armor. Where do jewish kids with ADD go? Concentration camps. How do you know if a black person has been on your computer? It’s gone. Why did the black kid fail night school? The teacher kept marking him absent. Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? There’s a Target on every corner. What do asian men do when they have erections? They vote.

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiot' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

A young boy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' A few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4 Teacher: That's good. Pupil: Good? That's perfect!

Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” Johnny says, “Yeah!”

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. "Can you guess what it is?" "I don't know," said the boy. "I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning." The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

My teacher sends this Chinese kid out of the classroom cause she thought he was sleeping -_-

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in." He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven. Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven. Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' Johnny: I is.. Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.' Johnny: Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, little Johnny rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said little Johnny, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Little Johnny's teacher gives the class a homework assignment, "Explain the difference between a theory and reality." Little Johnny goes home and is so stumped he asks his sisters ages 21 and 16 for help, and they can't come up with anything either. He then tries asking his father. The father thinks for a bit and replies, "Go to your older sister and ask her if she would suck a guys dick. Then ask her if she would do it for a million dollars. Then go to your younger sister and ask her the same two questions. Write down their answers and bring it back to me." Johnny says, "Okay," and runs off to find his older sister. He asks her the first question and she responds, "Maybe, if I like him." "Would you do it for a million dollars?" She replies, "Hell yes!" He finds the younger sister and asks her the same questions. Her first reply was "Eeeew, no!" but the second answer was "Yeah, sure." Johnny writes down their answers and takes them back to his father. The father looks over them and replies, "There you go." Johnny asks, "What do you mean?" The father says, "Well in theory we have two million dollars, but in reality we have two cocksuckers."

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, “Why are you home from school so early?” Johnny answered, “I was the only one who could answer a question.” “Oh, really? What was the question?” his mother asked. “Who threw the eraser at the teacher?” ====

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch!" Johnny shouted his mother "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." But, Mom, replied the boy, "That's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it." Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four."

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green." The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking." Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." "Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things. The first little boy says, “Alligator.” “Very good, that’s a big word.” The second boy says, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.” Little Johnny says, “Vibrator, Miss.” After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything.” “Well my sister has one and she says it eats fcuking batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. … … Little Johnny got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week” he began. … … “Good heavens,” shrieked Ms. Jensen, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” … … “He must be,” said little Johnny. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

One day, Little Johnny’s teacher asked the class, “Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!” “Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered. “Good, Jane.” teacher said, “Anyone else?” “How about a lollipop?” said Steven. “Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!” the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!” The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny’s answer. Then the teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?” “Well, last night when I passed my parents’ bedroom”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?" Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!" Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." "DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked. Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

Teacher: How old is your father? Johnny: As old as I am. Teacher: How is it possible? Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.

Teacher says to class, “OK class, today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. Now if I say I’m beautiful, which tense is it?” Little Johnny raises his hand, “Obviously it is the past tense Miss.”

Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention. "If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?" Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"