Jokes

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

Police officer: Where were you between 4 and 6? Me: Kindergarden

10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string. 9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler. 8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods. 7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio." 6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence. 5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?" 4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports." 3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas." 2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners. 1. They charge by the word.

Seamus and Paddy drove into their local timber yard. …. … Paddy walked into the yard office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.” …. …. The storeman asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” …. …. Paddy said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “All right. How long do you need them?” asked the storeman. Paddy paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After a while, he returned to the lumber office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

Passing an office building late one night, a little Johnny saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” He did so, and after several minutes he heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The old, uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. “Well,” he snarled at the kid, “what do you want?” “I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself…?”

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt." The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt." The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said, "Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ...BATMAN! Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE. The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said, "What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"

There was a little girl named Fufu. She went to school one day and her teacher said, "How do you spell your name?" The girl replied, "F.U. - F.U." Her teacher sent her to the principal's office. She got to the principal's office and he said, "First off, how do you spell your name?" She said, "F.U. - F.U." He said, "YOU ARE SUSPENDED!"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.” Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.” The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?” Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

“Mum, all the black kids call each other Nigga, but when I call them it I get in trouble.” “That’s because you’re a police officer.”

A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs. Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder. They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?" "Heroin" "But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange." "This is a kids' heroine - orange taste."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.

A man calls a lawyer’s office. A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’ The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s playing golf today.’ ‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to your community through The United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh, no.” “Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. “Thirdly, that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident,” the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, “I had no idea.” The lawyer then says, “…and if I don’t give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?”

A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets." The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughs the president, "That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see." The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Time to drop your pants and settle this bet." The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. "Well, OK," says the bank president, "since there's so much money on the line." Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

A man walks into a lawyer's office and inquires about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions, "replies the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asks the man. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "and what's your third question?"

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions.” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes.” the lawyer replied, “What was your third question?”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do.

It’s February and Mike walks into a post office and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, Mike goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” “But why?”, asks Mike. “I’m a divorce lawyer”, the bald man replied.