Jokes

25 Years From Now: Dad, how did you meet mum? Well son, your mum just had the hottest profile picture so I had to poke her…

little johnny came from school one night to hear noises coming from his perants bedroom and he walked in to see his dad on top of his mom and he asked them what they were doing they replied baking a cake little johnny said to his pearants were you baking cakes last night as well they said yess little johnny replied: because i licked the icing off the couch

Three things blacks never say that white people say all the time. 1. I’ve paid all the bills for this month. 2. Hi Dad! 3. Thanks for the warning officer.

Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."

Son: “Dad! My LSD is missing!” …. …. …. Dad: “We have bigger problems right now, son. There’s a dragon in the kitchen.”

Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are. The first one says, “My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger.” The second says, “Mine can outrun a cheetah, he’s so quick.” The third is unimpressed and laughs, “Mine works for the council, so he’s the fastest.” “How?” the others ask. “He finishes work at 5.30 but he’s home by 2.

My son came up to me today and asked “Dad, why do Jews have big noses?” “I don’t know, son,” I replied. “You’ve got quite a big nose,” he said. “That doesn’t mean I’m a Jew though.” “Oh good,” he said, “Can you lend me a tenner then?”

Teacher:why did you bring your cat to school Jimmy:I overheard my dad talking to my mum and he said when jimmy goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy

The following inspirational conversation took place with my dad earlier today. Dad: There’s no such thing as “can’t”. Me: Wow, thanks for the inspirational message dad but I was actually calling you a cunt.

I tried to buy my dad a World’s Greatest Dad mug for his birthday today. The cashier told me that I was too late. Somebody else’s dad already is.

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

A young couple having a son at 5 years of age went for a summer vacation to the same place where they had their Honey moon on reaching the place they smiled at each other. The son seeing them smile asked the DAD, “why you two are smiling and laughing?” Dad Said, “No son, we already came to this place years back that’s what we remembered.” The son persistently asked “DAD if you came here already, where was I?” Dad little embarrassed said, “Son you were with me when we came here and with your MOM when we returned!!”

I never had a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad. Erased me well.

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

My son came into the living room really sad and said, “dad, school is so difficult, I fell like I’m not getting anywhere.” “Son” I said, “you have to work hard for everything in this life. Nothing is just handed to you and unfortunately thats the way it is. Now if you don’t mind, there about to call out the lotto numbers.”

“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life” “But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad” “I know, son”

“Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt ?” young son ask. “Look at this,” says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, “that’s a pussy son.” “Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?” “NO son,” says dad, “If you touch the pussy you’ll wake the cunt up!”

Dad- Son, u better pass this exam or rather forget that im ur father! Son- Sure dad! Whatever! ~5 hours later~ Dad- Howz ur exam? Son- Who the hell r u???

The following conversation took place on an airplane. Son: Daddy im scared what if the plane goes down. Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board and she never goes down. Son: What? Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.

Michael J Fox has a small one. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Nuns dont have one. The pope has one but doesn't use it. Your dad has one but you mom uses it as well. What is it? It's a last name of course.

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

Son: Dad how is it like to have the best son in the world Dad: I don't know ask your grandfather Son: ._.

A young boy runs into the police station in Liverpool. “Please come quick! My dad’s getting beaten up down the pub!” The duty sergeant grabs his cap and runs over to the pub with the boy, where they see two hefty Scousers beating the sh1t out of each other. “Which one’s your dad?” says the sergeant. “I dunno. That’s what they’re fcuking fighting about.”

"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother. "Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing." "Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully. "That's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way. My dad left it to me in his will.

Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz Dad: What? How? Son: I missed the only question Dad: What was the question?!?! Son: What steps do we take in case of fire? Dad: And what did you say?! Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich Dad: You are such a dumbass

My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match - he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.