Jokes

Teacher- Did you do your homework? Student - Did you grade my test? Teacher - I have other students' tests to grade. Student - I have other teachers' homework to do. #LIKE A BOSS

Teacher: Why are you here so early? Student: Because my mom told me to go to Hell...

Teacher: Hey kiddo, stop playing with you're glasses. Geez, you would look so nice without glasses. Kid: Yeah, and we would be so smart and not bored if we had a teacher who's actually smart and funny/

Me: Mum i got a detention today Mum: Why! Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot". Mum: Yeah so Me: I asked what end.

*boy walks into your class* Teacher:go back from where u came from. Boy:sorry but I can't crawl back up my mums fanny

Teacher - "Who do you think you are?!" You - "Jake, from State Farm...?" Teacher - "Oh, so you think you're funny?" You - "I think I'm adorable :D "

Teacher: Do you want to spend lunch in my class!? Me: you asking me out on a date?

Teacher: "It's better to fail than to cheat!" Me: "Lol no b*tch. It's better to cheat than to repeat”

Teacher: where is your homework? Kid: at home. Teacher: why is it at home? Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason. Teacher: are you being smart with me! Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart. Teacher:...

Me: Can I Go To The Bathroom? Teacher: I Don't Know Can You? Me: Mean Either I'll Tell You When I Come Back :D

Teacher: With all the talking I hear, I assume you're done with your work? Me: With all the b*tching you do, I assume you're still single?

Teacher: I'm calling your mother Me: You can't Teacher: Why not? Me: Cause' she died Me: But don't worry. When I die, I will go to heaven and tell her that! Teacher: But what if she is in Hell? Me: You go visit her then :)

Biology Class Teacher: Which Mammal flies in air but gives birth to young ones on land? Paddy was so excited, as for the 1st time he knew the ‘Answer’!! Paddy: AIRHOSTESS!!!

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "Buy why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year. To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride." The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride." The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher. "Winnie-the-S**t!"

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."

Mr. Smith and his son Rick were called to Mrs. Liventhal's classroom. "Mr. Smith," said the teacher, "I asked Rick 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it!" "Well, teacher," said Smith, "if my kid said he didn't do it -- he didn't do it!" Father and son left the school, and on their way home, Smith turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me, son, did you do it?"

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. “Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero.” “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. “Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?” Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your ass !”

· OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? · I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. · Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. · Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. · Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. · A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. · Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. · Give me ambiguity or give me something else. · Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. · Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. · Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. · There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. · Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question? "can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "see i told you not to worry!!!!

A teacher has a class full of rednecks. She asks someone to use the word 'Timbuktu' in a story. A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly: Tim and me, a hikin' we went, Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent. They were three and we were two; So I buck one and Tim buck two!

A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

TEACHER: Why would you paint something black? STUDENT: So it runs faster.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?"  "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." 

I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the eighth grade level.

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt." The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt." The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Teacher: Did you finish you homework? Kid: Did you finish grading my test? Teacher: I have other children's tests to grade Kid: I have other teachers homework to do