Jokes

My teen daughter sent me a text message, “Dad, I’m pregnant again. It must be something in the air!”” Yeah, your fcuking legs.” I replied.

Son: Dad I just got a girlfriend. Dad: Good work son. Sister: Daddy I just got a boyfriend Dad: *Load's Shotgun*. kickass if you know what I mean.

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore. “It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight.” “Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.” Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie. The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight! On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter….. “I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet. “Yes, teacher,” he said, “my dad taught me.” “Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two,” the teacher said. “Three,” replied little Johnny. “Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?” asked the teacher. “Six,” answered little Johnny. “Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?” the teacher asked. “A Jack!” replied little Johnny.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

4-year-old: Why are you my dad? Me: Because I made you. 4: How? Me: ... 4: O.o Me: ... 4: O.O Me: With Legos.

This man says to his son: “Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!!” “Not this time, your dog died.”

A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation. The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..." "Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman." Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..." "Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." "Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom." "Why, honey?" "Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. … … They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a selfie of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables, downloaded a print copy and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

Annoying guy: you failed Me: your dad. Didn't when he left you and your mom

The year 2045: “Dad, how did President Trump ever get elected?: “Well, we were a bit distracted back then. That was the year adult coloring books came out.”

My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.

You have to field some tough questions when you're a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they're like, 'Dad, does Nana really have to die?' I'm like, 'Well, she did commit a capital crime. Those are the rules.'

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" was not the right answer

When i was a Kid my dad would beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks.

Black guy: Hey show me one of your sh*tty magic tricks Me: Yeah sure Black guy: What's your trick called? Me: I call it disappear just like you dad

Kid: Wah wah, my toy is broke. Dad: Don’t worry duct tape can fix it. *Puts tape over kids mouth*

Son: Dad, it's so cold in here! Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

“Dad, what does it mean when someone says they’re a bit of a perfectionist?” “It means they’re a cunt, son.”

Father: Son, today is your exam. If you fail, that's it, don't ever call me your father again. Got it? Son: Okay dad! I'll do my best! After the exam.. Father: So, how's the exam? Son: Sorry Sir, do I know you?

     Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father’s wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow’s grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father’s wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter’s son. My wife is now my mother’s mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She’s my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Ladies and Gentleman I stand in front of you, to stand in back of you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last Night in the middle of the afternoon, just before Breakfast, an Empty Garbage truck, loaded with good furniture, almost ran over a dad alley cat. We hurried to the Hospital as slow as we could, and there sat King Auther sitting in a six corner round able eating Beer with a fork. If you don't believe me ask the Blind man he saw it all................

My dad always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,’ - ’till he had the accident. 

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. My wife said, 'Don't make the same mistakes I did.'

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

one day a boy parents were arguing so the called each other b*tch and ass holes so the boy asked ' what's a b*tch and and ass hole" they replied ass hole is another word for gentle man and b*tch is another word for gentle lady" later on the the boy dad was shaving and he cut himself and he shouted shit the boy asked what does shit mean his dad replied its another word for shaving cream.then the little boy went to the kitchen and meet his mom cleaning a turkey she got cut and shouted f*ck the little boy asked what is f*ck she replied its another word for cutting the turkey just then the door bell rang the little boy ran to answered it and greeted the guest by saying good evening b*tches and ass holes my dad is shaving with shit and my mom is f*cking the turkey

How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes like blood.