Jokes

An attractive girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination,” said the young girl. “Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.” “No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.” “Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue…

A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career. After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office. When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?" "Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

A bald man wants to grow his hair back. He walks into the doctor's office for help. The doctor gives him some Vaseline and tells him to apply it to his head daily. The man then heads to the YMCA. He starts applying the Vaseline. A gay man walks by him and asks what he was doing. He laughs and says, "If Vaseline makes hair grow longer, I'd have a ponytail coming out of my ass!"

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we've made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn’t respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next… And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him.

A guy went to a doctor who had his office on 4th floor. He explained to doctor that he can't satisfy his wife on bed. Doctor examined him and gave him 3 pills a red, pink and blue pill, Doctor adviced him to use the red pill first, if it is not working out use pink,and even if Pink pill fails use the blue pill as it is more powerful. He took the pills and left. Before going home he wanted to test the pill. He swallowed red pill and got in to the lift. He saw a woman about 50 years old, and f*cked her and checked if she was satisfied..she replied somewhat. Then he tried pink pill met another woman..f*cked her got feedback as ok.He wanted to try the blue pill and see how it works. On first floor he sees a girl ducks her and got feedback as awsome.. He was very happy now..when he reached ground floor he realized that he don't have any pills left. So he went back to doctor to get few more blue pills. When he opened the door Doctor opens his pant and bends down..this guy shouts "what is this Doctor..Y are u doing this.. Doctor goes back to him slapped him and said.you ducked my mom in 3rd floor.. my wife in 2nd floor and my daughter in 1 at floor. I am the only guy left in my family.. come and duck me!!~~

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

The wife of a politician goes in for her annual gynecological exam, and the doctor tells her she's pregnant. She storms out of the office and calls her husband. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" After a moment of stunned silence, he replies, "Who is this?"

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor’s office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, “Lady those aren’t bags, they’re your t*ts, and if you don’t stop turning those screws you’re going to have a beard!”

A woman goes into the doctors office and says “Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don’t smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!” The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, “Take these for a week and then come back to see me.” A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, “Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?” Doctor: ” Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…”

A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office. 15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?” “Miracle, shmiracle,” says Hetty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussycat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her. She stinks.” My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the Vet and announced to my hubby, “Your wife’s pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!”

I have felt run-down for over a month, so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I told him my symptoms: Listless, depressed, no girlfriend, no dates, frustrated, no goal in life. The only bright spot in my life was waking up with “morning wood.” My doctor took notes and I gave his office a urine sample and I went to the blood center to give a blood sample. I just got a call from him. I have a common Hawaiian disease. He said the cure was to get myself into a steady relationship with an understanding girlfriend. “What is that Hawaiian disease called, doc?” I asked. “It’s called ‘Lackanookie’.”

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?” After a brief pause, my daughter replies, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." The doctor replies, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later, she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, "Where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “Here,” said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” …. …. A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

This black dude goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he’s sitting in the doctor’s office in a rented tuxedo with a frilly shirt and a black tie. The doctor says, “I’ve done a lot of vasectomies, but I’ve never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What’s the story?” To which the brother responds, “If ahz gonna BE im-potent, ahz gonna LOOK im-potent!”

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room. “I just hurt my toe,” complained the man. “Why do I need to take off my clothes?” “Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress,” explained the nurse politely. “It’s our policy.” “Well, I think it’s a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!” From the next room another man’s voice piped up. . . “That’s nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!”

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband. He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did. When the wife came out, the husband asked her, “so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?” And the wife said, “Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die.”

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor's office? A: It was feeling crummy.