Jokes

Little Johnny walked in on his parents and saw them doing it. He asked his dad what he was doing to his mom. His dad said, "Go back to sleep, we're making you a little brother." In the morning, the dad was walking to his car when he saw Johnny banging the exhaust pipe and asked Johnny what he was doing. Johnny said, "I'm making myself a little car."

Teacher: Little Johnny, do you believe in the Devil? Johnny: No, teacher, it's just like Santa Claus. I know he's really my dad

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fcuking spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”

When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

A father went to take his daughter from school. While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!" "With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her. "Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money to go to the whore house. His dad gives him 20 bucks and says, "Son, get it done. But one thing before you go, whatever you do, don't venture into Room 88." The kid agrees. He gets to the whore house and says to the lady at the desk, "Hi, I would like to get a room." She responds, "Sorry young man. The only room left is Room 88." The kid, dripping with horniness, takes it despite his father's warning. When he gets up there, there is a hole in the wall. It says, "Insert cock here for pleasure." He walks over, sticks it in, and gets his c**k sucked for an hour and a half and explodes inside the mystery mouth hidden behind the wall. He gets home and tells his dad he had his d**k sucked by a real pro in Room 88. His dad turns deathly pale and cries, "Uh, oh. That was you?"

Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!" Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!

Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.

'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?' 'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”. I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!" Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

Short kid: Hey tall kid, I bet you don't know who your dad is! Me: What's the matter? Where are Snow White and the other six dwarves? They're probably celebrating the fact that they lost you! Short kid:(Silence)

When I was a kid, I had an auntie who used to always call me by my brother’s name. It really pissed me off. Finally, I just snapped. I said, ‘You are the biggest fcuking idiot I’ve ever met.’ She got all upset, and rang my dad. My brother still has the scars from the beating he got.

Tough guy: you are a failure. Me: just like your dad's condom

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by. “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!” The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use. A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!” The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else…” Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!” “That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says: Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parentheses.

Did any of you have a dad that tells and re-tells and re-re-tells you about his bravery and stamina and grit growing up? I’m sharing with you that my dad walked to school at 4AM every morning with no shoes on, uphill (both ways,) in 5 feet of snow … and he was thankful.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him. Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

“No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short.” … … “Dad, I’m sixteen. I’ll wear what I want!” … … “Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing.”

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

A lady asked her husband to take their young son out for the day, so he did. He decided to take him to the zoo first, On the way there they saw a plane taking off, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said “that’s take off”. When they got to the zoo they saw a zebra, the boy asked his Dad what it was, The Dad said “that’s a zebra”. After they’d finished in the zoo he took his son to the park, While at the park they saw a lady with a baby in a pram, the boy asked his BabyDad what it was, The Dad said “that’s a baby”. When they got back home the mum asked her son if he had learned anything while he was out.. The boy said Yes “take off ze bra, baby!”

A kid walks in on his dad f*cking is mom, he goes into his grandmothers room, his dad walks in, "Son, what the hell are you doing?!" "You were f*cking my mom, now I'm f*cking yours!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!" So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!" He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

Toy Disclaimers you have probably never noticed... 1. Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. 2. Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. 3. Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. 4. No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product. 5. Some dismemberment may occur. 6. In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement. 7. Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. 8. Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. 9. Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior. 10. Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day? 1. F__ K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. __ NDOM Answers 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM Scoring 6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind. 5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then. 4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad. 3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma. 2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor. 1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor. 0 Correct: What a pervert!

Asshole: I f*cked your mom last night, OOOOOO. Me: Really? You mean the 53 year old woman with a hairy moist vagina who was previously f*cked by my dad to born me and my sister, also where she pisses on the toilet? Asshole: Ew!

Son: Dad, do you ever believe in true justice Dad: It's a hard question but no, why? Son: Good because I just raped a girl